A Favorite Tree

This is one of my favorite trees to visit.  It's found in Washington Connecticut at the Steep Rock hiking trail.  Its near the river, and I find it quite fascinating that it has lived as long as it has.  I neglected to identify it when I was visiting last time, but after looking at the leaves and what pictures I have of the bark, I believe it's a sycamore.  I'm going to have to go back soon and verify it's species.

One very special tree

Here's why I find this tree fascinating...

The base of the tree - looking at the inside

This is the base of the tree.  It is completely hollow approximately 10 feet up the tree.  I know why it's alive, the nutrients travel up the cambium and down the phloem.  In this picture both are intact on about half of the structure.  The center of the tree (the hardwood) is not necessary to survive, the hardwood is more for stabilizing the tree.  The top of this tree is small as you can see in the top picture, so comparatively this tree doesn't have to hold up a lot of structure, although if it were to fall, it would probably be heavy.

Looking up the tree

As you can see the bark is only around about half of the leader going up the tree.

Looking up the open side of the leader.

Standing inside the tree looking out.

Looking straight up the bark side.

For me, this tree is a piece of art.  I know why it's alive, but I'm not sure why it isn't dead.  Like all life I guess, it may be the will to live, and so that's why it does.  Not only is it beautiful in it's own way, but the day I discovered it, it made me feel like I need to appreciate my life one day at a time.

Until next time:  The constant in our lives is that our lives change.  In the tree world, life is slow, calm, and never consistant.  There are no laws other than gravity, and nothing stays the same.  May your life be as a tree and when things start to look a little different, may others see the art in you.

My Outlook on 2011 - At Least for Today

It's been an amazing year.  As I think back to January 2011, I think about the weather - that horrible winter snow that seemed to bury any passion that I had with the white stuff.  Spring, that brought on a new job at a nursery and a new found discovery of what retail, nice weather, and flowers can do to a person.  I have discovered that I am in the perfect business - gardening.  If you ever want to see the good side of someone, just start talking about how they feel about flowers, trees, or nature in general.  They get all soft and fuzzy, well most of the time anyway.  The positive energy that radiates is something you want to absorb into your skin and bask in as long as possible, and that is my field of work for the moment.  I'm not sure it gets better than this.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Buddha

There have been some very sad times for me this year, but with those sad times I stepped outside of my box again and feel that I have grown.  My mom's passing was not a surprise.  How I handled my relationship with her and the final moments were a surprise for me.  Growing up into an adult really does make a difference.  And when you learn that the world really isn't all about you, doors open that you could never have imagined.

Life is not perfect, nor is it pleasant all the time.  When I take notice of what the weather brings or what happens daily in the life of nature, I realize that my life is about the same.  For now, I will continue to cherish the fine moments and learn from the less perfect moments.  I will try to survive each day and bring a little sunshine to the world around me.

Until next time:  may your days be bright and light.  When you find yourself feeling like the world just isn't right, may there be a pleasant surprise to wake up the 'fine' in you.

Hurricane Irene in Connecticut

Hurricane Irene - I Hate This Stuff

I hate this storm. I lived out in the mid-west for 20 years where the thunderstorms are BIG. The sky is big out there, and you can see so much when it comes to weather. The storms seem to have the opportunity to grow bigger than the Northeast, where I am now, but today is different. Hurricane Irene is coming. I spent the day the preparing my house like I was having guests for the weekend.

The electric company called my house. There was a recording. I don't usually listen to recordings, but this was different. The lady said that we were probably going to lose electricity and that it would take about a week for it come back on. I kind of knew this already, but suddenly it was official; I'm not liking this a bit. Our water comes from a well which has it's disadvantages. If there's no electricity, there's no water. No, I don't have a generator like the rest of the people I know. I can't tell you why other than my husband was pretty adamant when I asked him to get one a few years back. I didn't give it another thought. We probably could have bought two or three of them for the times that we lost electricity. I have a habit of running to a hotel when we lose power. I thought that would change his mind, but it didn't. So a hotel will have to suffice, not so bad.

This time is a little different though, the whole state may be out of power. I guess I'll have to rough it for about a week. I've been listening and reading on what to do if you lose power. First, you should have buckets of water so you can flush the toilet - that's done. I filled one of the tubs in the house, that should help.

I cooked some food for left overs hoping that if we did lose power we would have something to eat. I also went to the grocery store - big mistake - and got some snacking food. I did all my laundry too, I can't remember the last time all my laundry was done. I figured if we weren't going to have water, that meant no clean clothes, and I didn't want to start the week of no power with needing clothes on the first day.

After going through a lengthy check list of what I should have, I am finally rested and lying in bed, afraid. I hate this, I keep thinking a tree could fall on the house, or water will start coming in and we won't be able to control it. Did I say I hate this? I guess I'll just close my eyes and hope to get some sleep. Irene is supposed to be in full force by 8:00 am. I'm not feeling so lucky that I'll be able to watch it rip my yard apart.

I spent many times in a basement or two in the midwest waiting for a tornado to pass through the towns that I lived in. Now years later, I'm waiting for a hurricane to pass by. Twelve hours of hurricane winds are not something to look forward to. Then we'll wait another week if we lose power for our lives to be somewhat back to normal - that's if I still have a house when the storm is done.

Did I say I hate this? Good night, maybe I'll see you tomorrow, or next week when we have power back.

Trucks

I love taking pictures of trucks. Thanks to a friend of mine, I have access to trucks that I never would have otherwise. I went to a truck dealer the other day, this friend needed a ride there to pick up his truck. While I waited for him to do his business with the owner, I was able to take a few photos of these new trucks. You can find some more here.

Hand in Hand

Take my hand,

we'll walk together,

laugh together,

learn together.

I cannot promise what we'll experience,

Nor can I promise that I'll always be kind.

I can only promise that I will be me,

with my flaws,

my moments,

and my heart.

Let's go where the wind will take us,

where we would not go alone.

Let's just go and try to be what we can be

instead of what we should be.

Winter in Connecticut 2011

It's been one heck of winter so far. We've had over seven feet of snow, and today, it's been raining on top of the thin ice that blankets the massive snow cover we already have. I can't wait to see what it looks like outside after I wake up tomorrow morning. Shoveling isn't nearly as much fun as it was in years prior. I used to look forward to a little exercise after a storm, it wasn't as much fun as working in my garden, but it got me outside in the sunshine, which always lifted my spirit a little. So far this year, I'm tired, my bones and muscles ache, and I'm grouchy.

Aside from my emotional dealings, history is being made here in Connecticut. Today I had a small revelation and realized that I'm living this small catastrophe. I have to emphasize small "catastrophe"; I do think I chose the right word. We aren't used to this kind of snowfall. Roofs are collapsing and people are in somewhat of a panic. Homeowners are climbing on their roofs to clean the three to four feet of snow and ice off for fear of collapse or destruction from the ice melting. As a result we are reading daily about people falling off roofs, bones being broken, and heart attack victims. The word "catastrophe" seems appropriate simply because deaths are a result of these relentless storms; in my opinion, one death is too many. It somehow doesn't seem to matter to me that people are making bad decisions, what matters is they are doing what they think is right; similar situations occur when someone has a fire in their home, and suddenly they start looking around for things to save before they abandon their house. Is it ridiculous? Probably, but perhaps more of an instinct than a carefully thought out maneuver; I can't blame a person for that.

Mother nature sure has a way of making us powerless. I am usually reminded daily, because of my work, that my life is little and I am just one of the many pieces of a complicated puzzle. Every once in a while though, I have the opportunity to think of myself as bigger, I gain a little confidence, and start to wonder if it's possible that I could be special. That's when something much bigger comes along to remind me that I could be wiped off the face of the earth in just one second by something so powerful that even my most creative dream cannot imagine. Well, this winter is a simple reminder for the ego, and I have once again become humble.

So in the midst of this exhausting and sometimes overwhelming winter season, I will continue to work my tired body and appreciate each day of life. I don't know that I can avoid being grouchy at times, it might just be part of the package. I will learn from all this though and try to become a better person, and I will certainly continue my swim with the other fish in the world for as long as possible. I will also start taking more pictures. I just haven't been in the mood and come summer in the heat and thick of things, I will want to be reminded of all this and appreciate my life just a little more.

Why do the Holidays Bring Bags of Surprises?

My sister-in-law Carol died on December 30th. We didn't find out until December 31st, which was heart wrenching for me; I imagine it was even worse for my husband, her brother. The emotions were hanging out in my head like bees looking to get into the nest before dark. She had cancer. It was a horrible death for her; years of agony and close encounters with death a number of times. Yet she had the strength of someone I never saw. I'm so sorry she died, but is it okay to say that I'm at peace knowing that she's no longer in pain? She was one of the most positive people I think I've ever met, which made her radiate happiness. This drew a lot of people toward her.

I decided to sleep on New Years Eve after canceling our plans to celebrate the new year coming in. I went to bed at 10:00 hoping I would feel rested and more prepared for another emotion filled day. Some more in-laws came over New Years Day and we shared dinner together. I have to say I haven't been happy with myself. I thought I was handling everything okay, but later my kids advised me of my not so warm hospitality.

This morning I woke up feeling like I was going to have a breakdown. Not with crying or anything, I was angry. I went to the gym hoping I would sweat the anger out of every cell. It worked, but it sure took a long time for it to take effect. I still don't understand what happened to me. I'm still a little angry but no longer feeling like I need to run away.

Now there's another issue, and I need to take the time and think. When I get like this I know the only thing that really works for me is some alone time. Some people pray, I prefer to say that I reflect; a hike or a bike ride usually takes care of the need. This alone time seems difficult these days; some people just don't understand why someone would want to be alone.

I guess I'll try to find my way and think about what I need to do. Until then, I guess I'll try to work on my anger a little and stop being so self absorbed.

Until next time: may you be surrounded by calm, happy and healthy people.

Catching Up

I've been on a mission all weekend long. I have a list that I stay concentrated on from the time I wake up until the moment that I go to bed. I only have a short amount of time to get everything done: Christmas decorating, something delicious for lunches next week, clean the house for the holidays, decorate outside, enjoy a christmas party, get the bills paid, etc. etc. etc. I am ever so busy and involved with my mission, but something happened that brought my thoughts to a screeching halt. As I was putting the window decorations up in the big window in the foyer, the cat freaked out! She ran into the kitchen as far away from the hall that she could and hid in the corner of the room. She acted as if there was some sort of monster in the house and it was going to eat her. I couldn't believe it! She was so scared that I actually thought there might be a critter in the house. So I checked all around to make sure something had not gotten in; nothing had.

I had to stop and try to show her that nothing was going to happen to her. She's deaf, so I can't use my tone of voice to calm her nerves. Her heart was beating fast, and all I could do was try to bring her to the hallway to show her there was nothing wrong. My second lesson this weekend was not to try to convince a deaf cat that she is safe from danger when she thinks she's going to die. She ran like Fred Flintstone driving away in his car. Remember when Fred was starting his car? His feet would go so fast they were blurry and then the car would finally start moving. Well that's what Maia did, I have the scratches to prove it.

The drama finally ended this afternoon. She some how came to terms with her fear and she's back to normal. So I'm busy again, focussing on my mission of accomplishments. My lesson: I understand that as normal as my world may be, there's always a possibility that someone or something may not see it the same way I do, and sometimes, I may have to stop and try to explain. Most of the time though, I will just have to wait until they make their own interpretation of what they see so they can move on.

Until next time: may your decorations be safe from wild cats.

Mixed Emotions

I'm off today. Not from work or cooking for Thanksgiving, I'm off in my head. Sometimes I feel unsure with who I am and how I should be. Sometimes life isn't grand, and all I want to do is go back to bed and lay there until I feel better. I guess I could call it Karma. I don't know all that much about Karma other than I was once told that my Karma was bad and I could change it if I wanted to. So I Googled it, it says that in Buddhism "it is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate."

I guess that would mean that my feelings of being "off" are of my own creation. I guess that's true. I firmly believe that sometimes what we see of ourselves is what we think others see of us. If you are insecure in your opinion of yourself, then this could be a difficult situation, and this would be an explanation of why I feel "off."

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store today. We caught up on what was going on in our lives. She was as sweet as ever. She mentioned a past minister that I have been uncomfortable with for some time. He was one of those ministers that talks a big talk, but underneath is hard on people. Judge could easily be his middle name.

I challenged this man before I left my last job. I had something to say to him, and I picked this time to say it. He was hard on me, at the same time he was kind to me. I guess that would be someone we would call a blessing because they make us think. None-the-less, he was difficult. I walked away from him, hoping to never have to deal with him again. Today he creeped into my mind after my conversation at the grocery store.

He never really wanted to know me. He wanted to know who he was to me. A little narcissistic probably. I should have reached out though. He thought he had things to teach me; I was tired and certainly out of patience at the time.

He left the ministry, got divorced and moved away. According to this person that I was talking to, he would "rather not approach me."

If I have learned anything over the last decade of my life, I have learned that negative energy travels hard and fast. Positive energy travels slowly, calmly and ultimately infinitely. I wish I could be a wise person and see this man differently and bring a closure to this mixed emotion that I feel about him. Maybe someday I will. One thing is certain, he is still thinking about what I said to him. He came to this woman I ran into today asking questions on exactly what we discussed two years ago. Perhaps I did to him what he's done to me, and maybe that's why he would "rather not approach me."

Until next time: may your friendships be challenging, but compassionate. May your friends cradle your insecurities with love and help you see the better side of your faults, so you learn gently, calmly, and ultimately infinitely.

Time Travel

Hiking

When there's nothing to say, talk about the weather

Today was one of those days that confirmed that winter is just around the corner. We still have 45 minutes of sunlight to lose before the official day is announced, but it seems it might be arriving early. Snow flakes fell from the sky. It started out to be sunny, but then the clouds started building, and before I had a chance to figure out what was going on, a heavy grey cloud was over head and the flakes started falling ever so gently. I didn't realize it was cold enough. I had been working, so I was toasty underneath my clothes. I apparently dressed properly today considering the temperature. I'm a coward when it comes to being cold; I hate it. So my choices in the morning before I go to work are based on the temperature ranges. Anything below 40 degrees Fahrenheit means I'm packing a suitcase. That suitcase is going to be chock full of fleece, gloves, hats, and what ever else that will keep my everything warm. Once I start working though, all the layers start coming off, until a comfortable body temperature is met once again.

The snow didn't last very long, it was definitely a teaser, a trial run you might say. The sun came out again in hardly any time, and I warmed up plenty. The sun makes a huge difference when your looking for some warmth outside; especially on those really cold frigid days.

Tomorrow will be a tad warmer, and it's a good thing. I have to take a CPR class and an aerial rescue class. I hope the aerial rescue is in the afternoon when it's a little warmer out there.

Until next time: stay happy, stay warm!

One Fine Day

It's been a good day. I took one of two tests that I need to take; it's over and I'm very happy about that. I organized a few things at home, so I can feel a little caught up with my life.

Finally, here's photo of a sunrise I took a little while ago. I just thought I'd share it. It's in Indiana.



Until next time: Happy morning to you all.

Wednesday's with Mom

Today my mother was talking about having out-of-body experiences. She says that she can walk, dance, and drive when she has these experiences. She believes them to be real, almost to the point where it’s not worth arguing about it with to her. She’s seeing a therapist at the nursing home, and this therapist is starting to convince her that she’s just dreaming.

She hates that she can’t walk, and believes that she cannot walk because people are telling her she can’t. If she tries to get out of bed, an alarm goes off – it’s under her bum on the mattress, so according to her, she has given up trying. I asked her if she could hold her legs straight up in the air while lying on her back. She looked at me like it was great idea. With that, she removed her covers and could only lift one leg about a foot off the mattress and had to put it down quickly because it hurt. The conversation moved back into her out-of-body experiences.

I’m more of a grounded type of person than my mother. I know enough to not judge other peoples belief system though. I believe our minds are more complicated than we realize and what works for me is not necessarily what works for others. I’m happy with that, and I love hearing how others think about this crazy world we live in, so today, I was willing to listen.

The mind is a beautiful thing. It can be reckless, it can be healing, it can be compassionate, it can be cruel, it can be … well you get the idea. I think my mom's mind is giving her the freedom she desires; sort of a relief from her present life. Is it possible that imprisonment is only body deep? If our minds are somewhat healthy, perhaps we can escape from the world in which we are present and go to places where we prefer to be. A way of dealing with stress, abuse, torture, etc.

Someone once said to me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I don't believe that statement to be true, I can back that up with many examples from the people I dealt with in my last job. I do believe though that our minds protect us from what we cannot handle for the time being. That's why people cannot remember their abuse or their life during a time of trauma. "Harvard psychiatrist and neurophysiologist Allan Hobson (1994) states, 'of all the practices known to be associated with good health, sleep is the most fundamental.'" This was taken from a book I was reading on PSTD called Assessing and Treating Trauma and PTSD by Linda J. Schupp, Ph.D.p 63. I cannot back up my theory on the subconscious with this book, but I do think while we sleep our mind tries to heal itself, and that's why sleep is so important to our psychological health.

In closing, my mom thinks she's having experiences that are beyond this world. For now this is making her happy; perhaps it's another way that she's dealing with her mortality. Her therapist will help her bring what she needs to the surface so she can deal with what ever is she needs to see. In the meantime, I'll just keep listening if she feels like sharing her thoughts. Just another step in finding out what's in her mind. Another day, another blessing.

Until next time: sleep well!

Young Tribulations

I remember my first apartment so clearly. I don't remember the actual move, but I remember when I first got the apartment. I was so happy to be on my own. I had just turned seventeen. It was pretty young to do such a thing, but that's a long story so I'll stay focused on what I'm writing about. I was still in high school. I remember the principle called me into his office because I had written a note about being late, it read something like this, "please excuse Sandy for being late, she got up late this morning and didn't have to time to get to school on time." I signed my name to the note. I knew it wouldn't be accepted, but I had to write something to get into school, otherwise I'd get detention. I was working on a farm, so detention meant I wouldn't be able to work. If I couldn't work, I couldn't pay my rent.

I walked into the principals office and sat down. He politely closed the door. This meant one of two things, I was in big trouble or I was going to have to do some serious explaining. He asked, I told my story. There he sat at his desk with his hands on his face looking at me with a wonder that I'd not seen before. I knew he had some decision to make, to what extent I didn't understand. He explained how it was supposed to be a note from my mother, but given the circumstance he would accept a note from me. He also told me that I should be careful who I tell that I'm living on my own, and then he said that I should check in with him periodically. I walked out of the office smiling realizing that everything was going to be okay. What I didn't realize is how concerned he was for me.

I finished out my junior year with good grades, I really didn't miss that much school, and I didn't have to write many more notes for being late. I learned that if I wanted to make sure I stayed living on my own, I probably shouldn't make too many waves, and I probably should try to be invisible as much as possible.

I didn't know exactly what it all meant when I was young and on my own. Sometimes when your trying so hard to live, understanding the world around you doesn't seem so important. I wish I had more wisdom back then, I may have understood the people around me. I failed hopelessly at times, but I think I succeeded much more than failed; I'm just happy it all turned out okay.

Until next time: We walk blindly at times thinking we know exactly what we're doing. Sometimes that blindness is what makes us get through difficult times; sometimes it keeps us from growing. May your sight be sharp, your wisdom clear, and the people around you care enough to protect you when your sight is stopping you from protecting yourself.