Mixed Emotions

I'm off today. Not from work or cooking for Thanksgiving, I'm off in my head. Sometimes I feel unsure with who I am and how I should be. Sometimes life isn't grand, and all I want to do is go back to bed and lay there until I feel better. I guess I could call it Karma. I don't know all that much about Karma other than I was once told that my Karma was bad and I could change it if I wanted to. So I Googled it, it says that in Buddhism "it is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate."

I guess that would mean that my feelings of being "off" are of my own creation. I guess that's true. I firmly believe that sometimes what we see of ourselves is what we think others see of us. If you are insecure in your opinion of yourself, then this could be a difficult situation, and this would be an explanation of why I feel "off."

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store today. We caught up on what was going on in our lives. She was as sweet as ever. She mentioned a past minister that I have been uncomfortable with for some time. He was one of those ministers that talks a big talk, but underneath is hard on people. Judge could easily be his middle name.

I challenged this man before I left my last job. I had something to say to him, and I picked this time to say it. He was hard on me, at the same time he was kind to me. I guess that would be someone we would call a blessing because they make us think. None-the-less, he was difficult. I walked away from him, hoping to never have to deal with him again. Today he creeped into my mind after my conversation at the grocery store.

He never really wanted to know me. He wanted to know who he was to me. A little narcissistic probably. I should have reached out though. He thought he had things to teach me; I was tired and certainly out of patience at the time.

He left the ministry, got divorced and moved away. According to this person that I was talking to, he would "rather not approach me."

If I have learned anything over the last decade of my life, I have learned that negative energy travels hard and fast. Positive energy travels slowly, calmly and ultimately infinitely. I wish I could be a wise person and see this man differently and bring a closure to this mixed emotion that I feel about him. Maybe someday I will. One thing is certain, he is still thinking about what I said to him. He came to this woman I ran into today asking questions on exactly what we discussed two years ago. Perhaps I did to him what he's done to me, and maybe that's why he would "rather not approach me."

Until next time: may your friendships be challenging, but compassionate. May your friends cradle your insecurities with love and help you see the better side of your faults, so you learn gently, calmly, and ultimately infinitely.