My sister-in-law Carol died on December 30th. We didn't find out until December 31st, which was heart wrenching for me; I imagine it was even worse for my husband, her brother. The emotions were hanging out in my head like bees looking to get into the nest before dark. She had cancer. It was a horrible death for her; years of agony and close encounters with death a number of times. Yet she had the strength of someone I never saw. I'm so sorry she died, but is it okay to say that I'm at peace knowing that she's no longer in pain? She was one of the most positive people I think I've ever met, which made her radiate happiness. This drew a lot of people toward her.
I decided to sleep on New Years Eve after canceling our plans to celebrate the new year coming in. I went to bed at 10:00 hoping I would feel rested and more prepared for another emotion filled day. Some more in-laws came over New Years Day and we shared dinner together. I have to say I haven't been happy with myself. I thought I was handling everything okay, but later my kids advised me of my not so warm hospitality.
This morning I woke up feeling like I was going to have a breakdown. Not with crying or anything, I was angry. I went to the gym hoping I would sweat the anger out of every cell. It worked, but it sure took a long time for it to take effect. I still don't understand what happened to me. I'm still a little angry but no longer feeling like I need to run away.
Now there's another issue, and I need to take the time and think. When I get like this I know the only thing that really works for me is some alone time. Some people pray, I prefer to say that I reflect; a hike or a bike ride usually takes care of the need. This alone time seems difficult these days; some people just don't understand why someone would want to be alone.
I guess I'll try to find my way and think about what I need to do. Until then, I guess I'll try to work on my anger a little and stop being so self absorbed.
Until next time: may you be surrounded by calm, happy and healthy people.
4 comments:
Oh Sandy, what a post! I have to go back and read it again and again. You've said so much here. I'm so very sorry about Carol. I'm sure she is at peace, but it's always hardest for those left behind. The older I get, the more I reflect on many things and I like your methods of reflection.
I'm with you on the goal for March but I am impatient and want better results sooner. I would really like to lose 40 pounds by the time I turn 55 in July. I hope I can do it. I need to be determined. Thank you for your motivation.
So sorry for the difficult start to your new year. But hard stuff does happen, and it's better to acknowledge such things when they do than to try shoving them down somewhere. At least, that never works for me.
Take care, Sandy. May your good memories of your sis-in-law help lift your spirits, even as you grieve.
Joyce, I hear you on your goals. Good luck, perhaps we'll be reading good news about both of us by July!
Deanna, hard stuff sure does happen, it's all part of life isn't it?
So sorry for your loss, Sandy. Even when one knows a death is coming soon it's still hard. I understand the emotions you suffered. And I understand alone time, too. It's just mandatory now and then, otherwise we crack under the burden. The alone time helps me get my breath back, so to speak.
I hope your good memories of Carol buoy you during this painful time.
Love to you!!
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