Sandy's Notes

A Favorite Tree

2011-12-28T22:41:00.001-05:00

This is one of my favorite trees to visit. It's found in Washington Connecticut at the Steep Rock hiking trail. Its near the river, and I find it quite fascinating that it has lived as long as it has. I neglected to identify it when I was visiting last time, but after looking at the leaves and what pictures I have of the bark, I believe it's a sycamore. I'm going to have to go back soon and verify it's species.

One very special tree

Here's why I find this tree fascinating...

The base of the tree - looking at the inside

This is the base of the tree. It is completely hollow approximately 10 feet up the tree. I know why it's alive, the nutrients travel up the cambium and down the phloem. In this picture both are intact on about half of the structure. The center of the tree (the hardwood) is not necessary to survive, the hardwood is more for stabilizing the tree. The top of this tree is small as you can see in the top picture, so comparatively this tree doesn't have to hold up a lot of structure, although if it were to fall, it would probably be heavy.

Looking up the tree

As you can see the bark is only around about half of the leader going up the tree.

Looking up the open side of the leader.

Standing inside the tree looking out.

Looking straight up the bark side.

For me, this tree is a piece of art. I know why it's alive, but I'm not sure why it isn't dead. Like all life I guess, it may be the will to live, and so that's why it does. Not only is it beautiful in it's own way, but the day I discovered it, it made me feel like I need to appreciate my life one day at a time.

Until next time: The constant in our lives is that our lives change. In the tree world, life is slow, calm, and never consistant. There are no laws other than gravity, and nothing stays the same. May your life be as a tree and when things start to look a little different, may others see the art in you.

My Outlook on 2011 - At Least for Today

2011-12-01T19:13:00.001-05:00

It's been an amazing year. As I think back to January 2011, I think about the weather - that horrible winter snow that seemed to bury any passion that I had with the white stuff. Spring, that brought on a new job at a nursery and a new found discovery of what retail, nice weather, and flowers can do to a person. I have discovered that I am in the perfect business - gardening. If you ever want to see the good side of someone, just start talking about how they feel about flowers, trees, or nature in general. They get all soft and fuzzy, well most of the time anyway. The positive energy that radiates is something you want to absorb into your skin and bask in as long as possible, and that is my field of work for the moment. I'm not sure it gets better than this.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Buddha

There have been some very sad times for me this year, but with those sad times I stepped outside of my box again and feel that I have grown. My mom's passing was not a surprise. How I handled my relationship with her and the final moments were a surprise for me. Growing up into an adult really does make a difference. And when you learn that the world really isn't all about you, doors open that you could never have imagined.

Life is not perfect, nor is it pleasant all the time. When I take notice of what the weather brings or what happens daily in the life of nature, I realize that my life is about the same. For now, I will continue to cherish the fine moments and learn from the less perfect moments. I will try to survive each day and bring a little sunshine to the world around me.

Until next time: may your days be bright and light. When you find yourself feeling like the world just isn't right, may there be a pleasant surprise to wake up the 'fine' in you.

Hurricane Irene in Connecticut

2011-08-28T14:41:00.001-04:00

Hurricane Irene - I Hate This Stuff

2011-08-27T22:08:00.007-04:00

I hate this storm. I lived out in the mid-west for 20 years where the thunderstorms are BIG. The sky is big out there, and you can see so much when it comes to weather. The storms seem to have the opportunity to grow bigger than the Northeast, where I am now, but today is different. Hurricane Irene is coming. I spent the day the preparing my house like I was having guests for the weekend.

The electric company called my house. There was a recording. I don't usually listen to recordings, but this was different. The lady said that we were probably going to lose electricity and that it would take about a week for it come back on. I kind of knew this already, but suddenly it was official; I'm not liking this a bit. Our water comes from a well which has it's disadvantages. If there's no electricity, there's no water. No, I don't have a generator like the rest of the people I know. I can't tell you why other than my husband was pretty adamant when I asked him to get one a few years back. I didn't give it another thought. We probably could have bought two or three of them for the times that we lost electricity. I have a habit of running to a hotel when we lose power. I thought that would change his mind, but it didn't. So a hotel will have to suffice, not so bad.

This time is a little different though, the whole state may be out of power. I guess I'll have to rough it for about a week. I've been listening and reading on what to do if you lose power. First, you should have buckets of water so you can flush the toilet - that's done. I filled one of the tubs in the house, that should help.

I cooked some food for left overs hoping that if we did lose power we would have something to eat. I also went to the grocery store - big mistake - and got some snacking food. I did all my laundry too, I can't remember the last time all my laundry was done. I figured if we weren't going to have water, that meant no clean clothes, and I didn't want to start the week of no power with needing clothes on the first day.

After going through a lengthy check list of what I should have, I am finally rested and lying in bed, afraid. I hate this, I keep thinking a tree could fall on the house, or water will start coming in and we won't be able to control it. Did I say I hate this? I guess I'll just close my eyes and hope to get some sleep. Irene is supposed to be in full force by 8:00 am. I'm not feeling so lucky that I'll be able to watch it rip my yard apart.

I spent many times in a basement or two in the midwest waiting for a tornado to pass through the towns that I lived in. Now years later, I'm waiting for a hurricane to pass by. Twelve hours of hurricane winds are not something to look forward to. Then we'll wait another week if we lose power for our lives to be somewhat back to normal - that's if I still have a house when the storm is done.

Did I say I hate this? Good night, maybe I'll see you tomorrow, or next week when we have power back.

Trucks

2011-08-24T22:15:00.006-04:00

I love taking pictures of trucks. Thanks to a friend of mine, I have access to trucks that I never would have otherwise. I went to a truck dealer the other day, this friend needed a ride there to pick up his truck. While I waited for him to do his business with the owner, I was able to take a few photos of these new trucks. You can find some more here.

Hand in Hand

2011-08-21T18:56:00.003-04:00

Take my hand,

we'll walk together,

laugh together,

learn together.

I cannot promise what we'll experience,

Nor can I promise that I'll always be kind.

I can only promise that I will be me,

with my flaws,

my moments,

and my heart.

Let's go where the wind will take us,

where we would not go alone.

Let's just go and try to be what we can be

instead of what we should be.

Winter in Connecticut 2011

2011-02-05T21:13:00.007-05:00

It's been one heck of winter so far. We've had over seven feet of snow, and today, it's been raining on top of the thin ice that blankets the massive snow cover we already have. I can't wait to see what it looks like outside after I wake up tomorrow morning. Shoveling isn't nearly as much fun as it was in years prior. I used to look forward to a little exercise after a storm, it wasn't as much fun as working in my garden, but it got me outside in the sunshine, which always lifted my spirit a little. So far this year, I'm tired, my bones and muscles ache, and I'm grouchy.

Aside from my emotional dealings, history is being made here in Connecticut. Today I had a small revelation and realized that I'm living this small catastrophe. I have to emphasize small "catastrophe"; I do think I chose the right word. We aren't used to this kind of snowfall. Roofs are collapsing and people are in somewhat of a panic. Homeowners are climbing on their roofs to clean the three to four feet of snow and ice off for fear of collapse or destruction from the ice melting. As a result we are reading daily about people falling off roofs, bones being broken, and heart attack victims. The word "catastrophe" seems appropriate simply because deaths are a result of these relentless storms; in my opinion, one death is too many. It somehow doesn't seem to matter to me that people are making bad decisions, what matters is they are doing what they think is right; similar situations occur when someone has a fire in their home, and suddenly they start looking around for things to save before they abandon their house. Is it ridiculous? Probably, but perhaps more of an instinct than a carefully thought out maneuver; I can't blame a person for that.

Mother nature sure has a way of making us powerless. I am usually reminded daily, because of my work, that my life is little and I am just one of the many pieces of a complicated puzzle. Every once in a while though, I have the opportunity to think of myself as bigger, I gain a little confidence, and start to wonder if it's possible that I could be special. That's when something much bigger comes along to remind me that I could be wiped off the face of the earth in just one second by something so powerful that even my most creative dream cannot imagine. Well, this winter is a simple reminder for the ego, and I have once again become humble.

So in the midst of this exhausting and sometimes overwhelming winter season, I will continue to work my tired body and appreciate each day of life. I don't know that I can avoid being grouchy at times, it might just be part of the package. I will learn from all this though and try to become a better person, and I will certainly continue my swim with the other fish in the world for as long as possible. I will also start taking more pictures. I just haven't been in the mood and come summer in the heat and thick of things, I will want to be reminded of all this and appreciate my life just a little more.

Why do the Holidays Bring Bags of Surprises?

2011-01-02T20:46:00.011-05:00

My sister-in-law Carol died on December 30th. We didn't find out until December 31st, which was heart wrenching for me; I imagine it was even worse for my husband, her brother. The emotions were hanging out in my head like bees looking to get into the nest before dark. She had cancer. It was a horrible death for her; years of agony and close encounters with death a number of times. Yet she had the strength of someone I never saw. I'm so sorry she died, but is it okay to say that I'm at peace knowing that she's no longer in pain? She was one of the most positive people I think I've ever met, which made her radiate happiness. This drew a lot of people toward her.

I decided to sleep on New Years Eve after canceling our plans to celebrate the new year coming in. I went to bed at 10:00 hoping I would feel rested and more prepared for another emotion filled day. Some more in-laws came over New Years Day and we shared dinner together. I have to say I haven't been happy with myself. I thought I was handling everything okay, but later my kids advised me of my not so warm hospitality.

This morning I woke up feeling like I was going to have a breakdown. Not with crying or anything, I was angry. I went to the gym hoping I would sweat the anger out of every cell. It worked, but it sure took a long time for it to take effect. I still don't understand what happened to me. I'm still a little angry but no longer feeling like I need to run away.

Now there's another issue, and I need to take the time and think. When I get like this I know the only thing that really works for me is some alone time. Some people pray, I prefer to say that I reflect; a hike or a bike ride usually takes care of the need. This alone time seems difficult these days; some people just don't understand why someone would want to be alone.

I guess I'll try to find my way and think about what I need to do. Until then, I guess I'll try to work on my anger a little and stop being so self absorbed.

Until next time: may you be surrounded by calm, happy and healthy people.

Catching Up

2010-12-12T18:42:00.002-05:00

I've been on a mission all weekend long. I have a list that I stay concentrated on from the time I wake up until the moment that I go to bed. I only have a short amount of time to get everything done: Christmas decorating, something delicious for lunches next week, clean the house for the holidays, decorate outside, enjoy a christmas party, get the bills paid, etc. etc. etc. I am ever so busy and involved with my mission, but something happened that brought my thoughts to a screeching halt. As I was putting the window decorations up in the big window in the foyer, the cat freaked out! She ran into the kitchen as far away from the hall that she could and hid in the corner of the room. She acted as if there was some sort of monster in the house and it was going to eat her. I couldn't believe it! She was so scared that I actually thought there might be a critter in the house. So I checked all around to make sure something had not gotten in; nothing had.

I had to stop and try to show her that nothing was going to happen to her. She's deaf, so I can't use my tone of voice to calm her nerves. Her heart was beating fast, and all I could do was try to bring her to the hallway to show her there was nothing wrong. My second lesson this weekend was not to try to convince a deaf cat that she is safe from danger when she thinks she's going to die. She ran like Fred Flintstone driving away in his car. Remember when Fred was starting his car? His feet would go so fast they were blurry and then the car would finally start moving. Well that's what Maia did, I have the scratches to prove it.

The drama finally ended this afternoon. She some how came to terms with her fear and she's back to normal. So I'm busy again, focussing on my mission of accomplishments. My lesson: I understand that as normal as my world may be, there's always a possibility that someone or something may not see it the same way I do, and sometimes, I may have to stop and try to explain. Most of the time though, I will just have to wait until they make their own interpretation of what they see so they can move on.

Until next time: may your decorations be safe from wild cats.

Mixed Emotions

2010-11-24T22:11:00.018-05:00

I'm off today. Not from work or cooking for Thanksgiving, I'm off in my head. Sometimes I feel unsure with who I am and how I should be. Sometimes life isn't grand, and all I want to do is go back to bed and lay there until I feel better. I guess I could call it Karma. I don't know all that much about Karma other than I was once told that my Karma was bad and I could change it if I wanted to. So I Googled it, it says that in Buddhism "it is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate."

I guess that would mean that my feelings of being "off" are of my own creation. I guess that's true. I firmly believe that sometimes what we see of ourselves is what we think others see of us. If you are insecure in your opinion of yourself, then this could be a difficult situation, and this would be an explanation of why I feel "off."

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store today. We caught up on what was going on in our lives. She was as sweet as ever. She mentioned a past minister that I have been uncomfortable with for some time. He was one of those ministers that talks a big talk, but underneath is hard on people. Judge could easily be his middle name.

I challenged this man before I left my last job. I had something to say to him, and I picked this time to say it. He was hard on me, at the same time he was kind to me. I guess that would be someone we would call a blessing because they make us think. None-the-less, he was difficult. I walked away from him, hoping to never have to deal with him again. Today he creeped into my mind after my conversation at the grocery store.

He never really wanted to know me. He wanted to know who he was to me. A little narcissistic probably. I should have reached out though. He thought he had things to teach me; I was tired and certainly out of patience at the time.

He left the ministry, got divorced and moved away. According to this person that I was talking to, he would "rather not approach me."

If I have learned anything over the last decade of my life, I have learned that negative energy travels hard and fast. Positive energy travels slowly, calmly and ultimately infinitely. I wish I could be a wise person and see this man differently and bring a closure to this mixed emotion that I feel about him. Maybe someday I will. One thing is certain, he is still thinking about what I said to him. He came to this woman I ran into today asking questions on exactly what we discussed two years ago. Perhaps I did to him what he's done to me, and maybe that's why he would "rather not approach me."

Until next time: may your friendships be challenging, but compassionate. May your friends cradle your insecurities with love and help you see the better side of your faults, so you learn gently, calmly, and ultimately infinitely.

Time Travel

2010-11-22T21:59:00.004-05:00

Hiking

2010-11-20T23:51:00.002-05:00

When there's nothing to say, talk about the weather

2010-11-19T21:58:00.006-05:00

Today was one of those days that confirmed that winter is just around the corner. We still have 45 minutes of sunlight to lose before the official day is announced, but it seems it might be arriving early. Snow flakes fell from the sky. It started out to be sunny, but then the clouds started building, and before I had a chance to figure out what was going on, a heavy grey cloud was over head and the flakes started falling ever so gently. I didn't realize it was cold enough. I had been working, so I was toasty underneath my clothes. I apparently dressed properly today considering the temperature. I'm a coward when it comes to being cold; I hate it. So my choices in the morning before I go to work are based on the temperature ranges. Anything below 40 degrees Fahrenheit means I'm packing a suitcase. That suitcase is going to be chock full of fleece, gloves, hats, and what ever else that will keep my everything warm. Once I start working though, all the layers start coming off, until a comfortable body temperature is met once again.

The snow didn't last very long, it was definitely a teaser, a trial run you might say. The sun came out again in hardly any time, and I warmed up plenty. The sun makes a huge difference when your looking for some warmth outside; especially on those really cold frigid days.

Tomorrow will be a tad warmer, and it's a good thing. I have to take a CPR class and an aerial rescue class. I hope the aerial rescue is in the afternoon when it's a little warmer out there.

Until next time: stay happy, stay warm!

One Fine Day

2010-11-18T22:29:00.004-05:00

It's been a good day. I took one of two tests that I need to take; it's over and I'm very happy about that. I organized a few things at home, so I can feel a little caught up with my life.

Finally, here's photo of a sunrise I took a little while ago. I just thought I'd share it. It's in Indiana.

Until next time: Happy morning to you all.

Wednesday's with Mom

2010-11-17T23:00:00.004-05:00

Today my mother was talking about having out-of-body experiences. She says that she can walk, dance, and drive when she has these experiences. She believes them to be real, almost to the point where it’s not worth arguing about it with to her. She’s seeing a therapist at the nursing home, and this therapist is starting to convince her that she’s just dreaming.

She hates that she can’t walk, and believes that she cannot walk because people are telling her she can’t. If she tries to get out of bed, an alarm goes off – it’s under her bum on the mattress, so according to her, she has given up trying. I asked her if she could hold her legs straight up in the air while lying on her back. She looked at me like it was great idea. With that, she removed her covers and could only lift one leg about a foot off the mattress and had to put it down quickly because it hurt. The conversation moved back into her out-of-body experiences.

I’m more of a grounded type of person than my mother. I know enough to not judge other peoples belief system though. I believe our minds are more complicated than we realize and what works for me is not necessarily what works for others. I’m happy with that, and I love hearing how others think about this crazy world we live in, so today, I was willing to listen.

The mind is a beautiful thing. It can be reckless, it can be healing, it can be compassionate, it can be cruel, it can be … well you get the idea. I think my mom's mind is giving her the freedom she desires; sort of a relief from her present life. Is it possible that imprisonment is only body deep? If our minds are somewhat healthy, perhaps we can escape from the world in which we are present and go to places where we prefer to be. A way of dealing with stress, abuse, torture, etc.

Someone once said to me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I don't believe that statement to be true, I can back that up with many examples from the people I dealt with in my last job. I do believe though that our minds protect us from what we cannot handle for the time being. That's why people cannot remember their abuse or their life during a time of trauma. "Harvard psychiatrist and neurophysiologist Allan Hobson (1994) states, 'of all the practices known to be associated with good health, sleep is the most fundamental.'" This was taken from a book I was reading on PSTD called Assessing and Treating Trauma and PTSD by Linda J. Schupp, Ph.D.p 63. I cannot back up my theory on the subconscious with this book, but I do think while we sleep our mind tries to heal itself, and that's why sleep is so important to our psychological health.

In closing, my mom thinks she's having experiences that are beyond this world. For now this is making her happy; perhaps it's another way that she's dealing with her mortality. Her therapist will help her bring what she needs to the surface so she can deal with what ever is she needs to see. In the meantime, I'll just keep listening if she feels like sharing her thoughts. Just another step in finding out what's in her mind. Another day, another blessing.

Until next time: sleep well!

Young Tribulations

2010-11-15T22:28:00.005-05:00

I remember my first apartment so clearly. I don't remember the actual move, but I remember when I first got the apartment. I was so happy to be on my own. I had just turned seventeen. It was pretty young to do such a thing, but that's a long story so I'll stay focused on what I'm writing about. I was still in high school. I remember the principle called me into his office because I had written a note about being late, it read something like this, "please excuse Sandy for being late, she got up late this morning and didn't have to time to get to school on time." I signed my name to the note. I knew it wouldn't be accepted, but I had to write something to get into school, otherwise I'd get detention. I was working on a farm, so detention meant I wouldn't be able to work. If I couldn't work, I couldn't pay my rent.

I walked into the principals office and sat down. He politely closed the door. This meant one of two things, I was in big trouble or I was going to have to do some serious explaining. He asked, I told my story. There he sat at his desk with his hands on his face looking at me with a wonder that I'd not seen before. I knew he had some decision to make, to what extent I didn't understand. He explained how it was supposed to be a note from my mother, but given the circumstance he would accept a note from me. He also told me that I should be careful who I tell that I'm living on my own, and then he said that I should check in with him periodically. I walked out of the office smiling realizing that everything was going to be okay. What I didn't realize is how concerned he was for me.

I finished out my junior year with good grades, I really didn't miss that much school, and I didn't have to write many more notes for being late. I learned that if I wanted to make sure I stayed living on my own, I probably shouldn't make too many waves, and I probably should try to be invisible as much as possible.

I didn't know exactly what it all meant when I was young and on my own. Sometimes when your trying so hard to live, understanding the world around you doesn't seem so important. I wish I had more wisdom back then, I may have understood the people around me. I failed hopelessly at times, but I think I succeeded much more than failed; I'm just happy it all turned out okay.

Until next time: We walk blindly at times thinking we know exactly what we're doing. Sometimes that blindness is what makes us get through difficult times; sometimes it keeps us from growing. May your sight be sharp, your wisdom clear, and the people around you care enough to protect you when your sight is stopping you from protecting yourself.

Leap Frogs and Moonbeams?

2010-11-14T19:41:00.001-05:00

Leap frogs and moonbeams
and telephone whistles,
Fingers are clicking
But what about thistles?

Fly away, fly away
Jack in the box,
Be like a man
Not like a fox.

Like me or love me
Just don’t take my flowers,
Hate me and leave me
And challenge my powers.

Wishes and dreams
All come from a fairy,
Let it be known
I’ll be drinking my dairy.

In all that you take
In all that you find,
My most precious possession
Will never be tined.

Now cast away, cast away
All that you might,
The fight is not over
At least not for tonight.

Shopping

2010-11-13T21:55:00.005-05:00

I hate shopping. I'm just not one of those people that love to browse. I prefer to go into a store with a list of things that I want, get them, and get out as quickly as I can. There are of course times when this is not feasible, like today. Today I was car shopping. I'm so tired of looking on the Internet for that perfect car. Have you ever noticed that when you come up with a price that you're willing to spend on something, there's always that one thing that you want, but it costs a little more than the amount you were willing to spend when you came up with the number?

We must have drove 70 miles. The inventory of cars at the car dealers around here is sparse, so we decided to take a ride after looking on the Internet. We were lucky enough to find a few dealers with some decent inventory, but by the time we got to the last place, it was going on 4:00 and they close at 5:00, so a test ride was not looking so good. Saturday is the only day we have that we can look and of course the dealers close early. They aren't open on Sundays so the search is going to be very slow.

I did find one car that I loved, but the husband isn't sure he's going to be happy with it. That's the other problem when looking for a car. I have to think of my priorities, one of them is my husband is 6'3" tall and he should probably be able to fit in the car. Not that many cars are capable of fitting him.

I don't want to shop anymore. It's like looking for wallpaper, if I can't find what I like in 3 books then I paint. Otherwise I get sick to my stomach because of all the designs. I know it's not that easy for cars, but for now, I'm glad I don't have to look again for another week.

Until next time: I'm so shallow sometimes that it scares me. May your day be full of contentment and may your shallowness, (is that a word?), be a little more compassionate and grateful than mine.

Mom's Survey

2010-11-12T19:47:00.002-05:00

My mom’s been taking a poll at the nursing home. She’s been asking everyone she comes in contact with to name three things that they like about themselves. She tells me that it’s a hard question for people to answer. She says that you can tell what a person is like when they answer that question. You can see how secure they are, or how shallow they are. You can even tell if they tell the truth or not.

After a lengthy conversation of the outcome of her survey, I asked her the same question. She was surprised that I asked her. She had just asked me though, so I thought it only natural for me ask her. She had to think about it for a long time, but then she came up with about eight things that she liked. Turns out she likes herself a lot! I was impressed.

I was impressed because of the way she could answer the question. She went into detail about why she liked these characteristics of her being; the detail was incredible. Here’s a woman who had a few strokes and heart attacks over the last year, has diabetes, cannot walk because she has no muscle tone to hold her body up, is in constant pain, and has probably had an undiagnosed mental illness all her life, but she’s still able to hold a conversation in the kind of depth that would blow you away. She’s grateful to be alive, and after all that’s happened to her, she has every reason to be miserable.

I have not been fond of my mother for years. She’s done some things to me that have been completely unacceptable. I needed separation for many years in order to change the way I thought about her. Here I am though, every Wednesday discussing things with her that I never thought I would ever discuss with her again. I’m not sure of my feelings about us, but I must say that I am amazed at how she is handling her life now. I hope that when my time comes, I can find some of the happiness that she is able to muster up, because it really is making her strong enough to be alive and see everyday as a blessing. I guess these days that we have together are a blessing too. Life is really amazing isn’t it?

Until next time: as we move through the day, think about the people that you have made smile or just feel good. That’s a pretty nice gift to give. So even if you don’t get a thank you, know that you made a difference, because when they smile, they probably made someone else smile. As simple as that is, it may be a reason someone is grateful to be alive.

Obama, Christmas and the Rest of the World

2010-11-11T20:17:00.004-05:00

Obama's trip to India turned out to be a flop. What it boils down to is, none of the countries really want to do business with us, they don't even like us, they simply want our money. So here come the holidays and we're going to pour our money into China, India, and Korea. Sure we'll get temporary jobs, they're calling them seasonal. When the holidays are over however, we'll just go back to not working because we're not making anything here. So here's an idea, how about we make Christmas about "made in America." Do we really need to give other countries our money? It can't be that hard, if you can't find it, make it.

What happened to us? Let's put ourselves back to work!

Posting in Case of Emergency

2010-11-10T18:55:00.004-05:00

It's tough posting when your day is chock full of work and classes. Thank goodness for my iPhone. So, after working, visiting my mom in the nursing home, and now in class, I'm stealing a moment to post this note to keep from dropping out of Nablopomo.

Until next time: may your night be full of peaceful sleep!

Deaf Cat

2010-11-09T07:12:00.006-05:00

This is Maia. We rescued her as a kitten, her mom had her at the barn where I work occasionally. It seemed very dangerous where she had the kittens, and a raccoon had broken in the barn the night before, so I brought everyone home. We adopted Maia and everyone else has left the house.

Maia is deaf. She can't hear a thing. So in order to find her when she's napping during the day, you have to stomp your feet on the floor. By doing that you can only hope she'll feel the vibration and know that you're looking for her.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with the vet for her yearly check up and update her vaccines. She usually lives with my son, who is at school, but she's home right now because she's been fresh; just like a calico. I came home early, so I would have plenty of time to find her and bring her to the vet. I stomped upstairs; no Maia. Then I went downstairs; no Maia. My other son Eric came home, and he had a idea where she might be because he saw her sleeping the basement the day before; no Maia. Finally it was three minutes before I was supposed to be a the Vet, so I called and cancelled the appointment. We thought we would try again tomorrow.

I came out of my office, and there was Maia coming from somewhere, who knows where, meowing to greet everyone. Maia the deaf cat; she can drive anyone to drink.

Winter Storm Thomas

2010-11-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

There’s nothing like a winter storm to make a person appreciate the warm summer sun and everything that comes with it. Spring flowers, the shedding of winter clothes, and the feel of your feet outside winter boots. We had our first winter storm this morning. No real accumulation of the snow, but I woke to gray skies and bare trees, all silhouetted by the dark morning and cold air. I love the change of the seasons, but in order to have the change, you have to accept these kinds of days.

I often think of our ancestors that had so much less than we have. Living in cabins by candlelight, fireplaces to keep them warm, constant dirty clothes from walking around in the slush and no real washing machines to get them clean again. Tending to the horses, cows, and getting the last minute summer things put away before the snow arrived. Today would be one of the really dirty days because of the storm being a surprise. I can imagine the men outside trying to get their chores done and getting wet and cold. The wife getting the fireplace and food set for when the men come back inside. What a life that must have been.

I love my sweet life in a nice warm house, thinking of what stew I can put together for the next day like this. I have work today, I work outside, but I have a choice, I can work outside and be miserable, or I can stay inside and do paperwork, work on my computer, and have a cup of tea or hot chocolate to satisfy my soul; not quite the choices our ancestors had.

I may complain along with the stranger that may express how miserable it is outside, but inside I’m okay with it. I’m okay that weather brings us some challenges so we can appreciate the sweet warm sunshine and smell of clean spring air. It’s so delightful for me to be able to express my appreciation in November; I wonder if February will bring the same appreciative attitude?

Until next time: May your day be bright and full of warmth, whether it’s in a heated home or a warm sunny beach. I’ll be spending my day just as it is meant to be and thankful that I’m not stuck outside and have no other choice.

Dogs and Their Masters

2010-11-07T18:57:00.006-05:00

So the family in front of us; we live in a neighborhood where there are street lots and back lots, I live in a back lot, the family in front of us lives on a street lot. They have a dog. We don't see our neighbors much because there's woods between us. Depending on the season, we can either see their yard or not. So now that the leaves are off the trees I can see their back yard through the woods. They have this dog named Blue; I now very original. This dog is a bulldog just like in the photo. He's large and got the infamous snout like a Bull dog. Anyway, Blue's favorite thing is to go in the woods and find the biggest stick he can and bring it to his owner, Ernie. Ernie then throws it back to him and Blue fetches the stick, and the game happens over and over again. Blue also has this inflated ball that he loves. Ernie will throw the ball so Blue can go fetch that too; poor Ernie, I think he's tired of picking up sticks.

Today, Ernie was mowing the lawn with his earphones on. I like this because sometimes when I'm in my garden working, I can hear Ernie singing some oldies. He can't hold a tune, but he sings his heart out. It's usually because he can't hear what he's singing with his hearing protection on.

Anyway, Ernie was mowing the lawn, getting into his music, and Blue was following every step that Ernie took with the ball in his mouth prancing and looking as though he knows that Ernie is going to stop soon and throw that ball so he can retrieve it. I wish I got a movie it. What a great YouTube video it would make.

Dogs and their masters. What a world we live in!

Until next time: may your pet be loyal and bring a smile to your face. If you don't have a pet, I hope you get to smile at someone else's pet, cause they sure are peculiar!

My Wish List

2010-11-06T09:51:00.003-04:00

I'm looking for a car. I would love a new one, but that just doesn't seem practical to me. I'd also love one of these, which really isn't very practical either, but they certainly are fun. Perhaps I've reached a time in my life where fun trumps practical; I'm Just not sure. Meanwhile, I'll keep looking.

Until next time: How wonderful it is to think impractical. I am so fortunate to live in a place where my thoughts are free to be where ever I want them to be. May your day be full of wishes and pleasures and dreams that come true.

Connecticut's Gubernatorial Race

2010-11-05T05:43:00.002-04:00

My dear word, this gubernatorial race in Connecticut is so out of hand. By around 6:30 p.m. yesterday, Thursday, November 4, 2010 it was announced that a registrar of voters was upset, threw his hands in the air and said he was done. Hours later they found a bag of approximately 350 – 400 ballots that were unaccounted for. All day long the Secretary of State, Susan Bysiewicz, had been trying to hold a press conference hoping to announce whom our governor was. Each time she went to hold that conference something happened and she postponed it a few hours. As of 7:30 p.m. we still hadn't known what was going on.

The Secretary of State needs to take responsibility for this, last night she was holding a press conference and appeared very disturbed that people were blaming her for this whole problem. Well Susan, you must take responsibility because you oversee the elections, even if you had nothing to do with Bridgeport not ordering enough ballots. That’s why we’re paying you the big bucks! I have to give her credit though, I’m a firm believer in "stuff happens", we all make mistakes. However, It’s not the mistake sometimes that’s the problem, it’s how you make it right that counts. Susan Bsyiewicz is trying to make this right. She is relentless in trying to make this right.

I hope this isn’t over once they announce it’s over. Maybe we better take a good look at what’s going on with how accurate our voting process is. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Remember Florida in the presidential election? Maybe it’s time to do an audit, just pick a few states to see if the numbers actually balance with the number of voters. I think Connecticut better take a real good look at what’s going on because if my vote never got counted, I want to know about it.

The Grape

2010-11-04T06:15:00.005-04:00

I went for a hike on a trail that was near one of the wineries not far from where I live. The wine in Connecticut isn't like the wine anywhere else. It's not that good actually. You have to like it sweet, even our dry wine is a little rough. Our grape reflects the kind of place we live in though. The soil is fertile; clay, sand and loam and different combinations of each are very different throughout the state. Overall the soil is acidic, which is why the trees do so well here. I believe to grow grapes for wine making, you need to have just the right soil, temperature, and moisture. Our land is so fertile that the grapes usually end up big and juicy, just like the ones you want to pick and eat under the apple tree.

The wineries are sweet like the wine. They are far apart from one another, but they usually provide a beautiful countryside view of what Connecticut is all about. The one we went to in the photo had trails in the back part of the property that connected to a state trail that had a look out place over a damn where the bald eagles nest; quite spectacular, but you have know how to get there to enjoy it.

Maybe someday the wine in Connecticut will make it to the big boys list of great wines. For now though, they offer what I would call a young wine along with the quaint atmosphere of New England.

Until next time: in the sweet taste of the grape comes a drink that we have enjoyed for thousands of years, even Jesus made it by the gallons so people could enjoy a good party. For us, the party continues. May your day be with celebration knowing the few finer inventions in our history are still here and perfected for us to enjoy.

We Just Can't Seem to Stop Talking

2010-11-03T07:26:00.003-04:00

I’ve been counting and comparing the kind of people who drive while talking or texting on their cell phone. Just to cover the basics, it’s illegal in Connecticut. There have been multiple deaths while people are driving distracted, I think we all know this from the amount of coverage the news has put into this. Oprah found it to be popular enough to devote an entire program and start a campaign on this subject, here’s the link, click here.

To my surprise the people I see most on the phones are first, truck drivers. You know, those big eighteen-wheelers that you drive by on the highway? Well, just take a look and see if they’re driving with a phone attached to their ear. I don’t know what the statistics are when a driver of an eighteen-wheeler starts losing control of the truck and the how easy the recoverability is, but I certainly don’t want to be one of the cars next to them when a driver starts having to correct a problem. I’ve been rear ended by a semi, I didn’t get hurt, but it’s a scary thing when you see one of those trucks coming a little too close to you.

The second I mostly observe using cell phones are young moms. Yup, that’s right! I count way too many young women on the phone that turn out to have kids in the car. This certainly is not a scientific study, but I can’t believe my eyes when I see this. This frightens me. I just have one question for these moms, what are you teaching your children? Wait I have another, how are you going to feel if you have an accident and something happens to one of your children because of your carelessness?

Perhaps we need to put a little peer pressure on our friends and relatives that drive while distracted. Maybe even respect that if they answer the phone when we call, and they admit to driving, tell them to call back when they have a minute to talk. We need to support one another on this or someone we love is going to get hurt.

Until next time: our children grow fast; cherish every moment, enjoy every giggle, soak up every hug. If you have to give up a conversation for a minute so you can keep your kids or yourself safe, then please give it up. May your day be full of sunshine, good friends, and free of vehicle accidents.

What Privacy?

2010-11-02T07:00:00.003-04:00

How private are you? Do you share your thoughts with people freely, or are you like me and often feel that if I share my thoughts, it’s an invasion of privacy. I don’t know what’s happened to me as I’ve grown. I used to share everything, my thoughts, my heartaches, whom I didn’t like, whom I loved, etc. Now, I’m not willing to share anything. Part of the problem is that I think nothing is private anymore, so I think I'm enforcing my freedom. Try searching your name on the Internet. I can’t believe what comes up sometimes. Stuff I did years ago with the non-profit that I ran still comes up. Then there’s Google Earth, have you tried looking at where you live? The Google Gods updated it not that long ago. I live close to New York City, doesn’t that matter when it comes to terrorism?

I like some of the benefits of this transparent world we live in, but I’m too private, perhaps even paranoid, to write everything I might like about it. I like being able to blog, I enjoy my Facebook, I love posting my pictures; I have a few sites for storing my photography. I really like the idea that if my house burns down, I’ll still have those precious photos.

I don’t know about all this though. My son tells me that because of the terrorist attacks, New York City has enough cameras to follow a person just about wherever they go. Does it make me feel any safer knowing that there are people out there watching me live my daily life? And who is it that’s watching? Why do I care anyway? I care because it used to be our right, it used to be our privilege as free people to not feel as though big brother is watching us all the time, but that was before the really bad people came along.

I guess in short, I’m not confident that what I say will not be held against me at some point in my life. I hate this loss of freedom and forgiveness, but love the openness. I’ll still keep my most precious thoughts to myself though and never completely admit that that’s what I’m doing. For now, I’ll just post my concerns on the Internet and hope that the Internet Gods care enough to keep some things private.

Until next time: may your thoughts be yours and your privacy kept safe. And even though we live in a transparent world, may life never get so transparent that we need cameras in public bathrooms.

Dieting or Just Getting Healthy

2010-11-01T07:16:00.002-04:00

I hate dieting. I love dieting too, because is forces me to eat right. I feel better internally and externally when I’m eating right. I hate that I need to control what goes in my mouth in order for me to look and feel good, but then again I hate controlling what comes out of my mouth too, and that’s just plain necessary in order for me to keep from getting hurt. It’s really not about looking good though is it? It’s really about being healthy. The way I look at it is, if I’m exercising at a good healthy level, and I’m breathing well – I’m asthmatic so breathing means a lot to me - and my energy level during the day is satisfactory to me, then that’s where I want to be.

Right now I’m healthy. I exercise regularly, heck I even work outside which helps a lot. I’m overweight though according to my doctor. I should be about 10 to 20 pounds lighter. So I’m trying to watch what’s going in my mouth. It’s so hard to stay motivated when it comes to eating right. I need a cheerleader that will remind me each time I’m about to take a bite of something, how important it is to only eat what I absolutely need.

I’ve been reading some of those health magazines, mostly the ones for women. I really like them. They tell you different exercises you can do during the day, and some, by the time I’m done reading, help motivate me on eating healthy foods. I should probably subscribe to a few, so I can read them every morning before I start my day.

My husband told me that our insurance company is now taking note of what we do to be healthy. If we do a good job, it could reflect the payments we make. Hmmm, that’s some good motivation! The holidays are coming which makes it even more difficult for me to not gain weight. My goal this winter though is to lose weight instead of gain it like I usually do. I want to lose at least 10 pounds. I’m really going to try not to think of it as weight, I’m going to try to think of it as less fat. If I have less fat on my body, then my body will be lighter. If I’m lighter, then my clothes will fit better. If my clothes fit nicely, then I’ll feel a whole lot better over all.

So I guess the cookies I made yesterday for Halloween are going to have to either get eaten by someone else, or put in the freezer. I heard 1,200 calories a day should help me lose weight at my age. Funny, I’ve cut down a lot on consumption, and I really don’t miss the food; I’m not sure if I’m eating less than 1,200 calories or more. I’ll try counting calories in a general kind of way however, just as a trial. Now I just have to find a cheerleader.

Until next time: may your scale be broken and your heart be light. Smiles weigh less than frowns, and hugs use more calories than no hugs. So my wish for you is that your day be lit with smiles and full of hugs.

I'm Going for it

2010-10-31T20:09:00.003-04:00

I've decided to try again this year; Nablopomo. Last year I was unable to come up with something to write every day. This year might be a little different. I really like Joyce's idea of writing every morning when you first wake up. I always believed that my mind is clearest in the morning. I believe that I make my best decisions after a good nights rest, and when my mind is fresh. So maybe writing my thoughts would be easier during the early hours of the day.

I'll try that then. I'll get up early and see if I can write. I'll try to keep it positive, but lately I've been so frustrated with the political mid-term elections that I could write a bunch of unhappy words about that. Anyway, tomorrow is November first. See you in the morning.

Nablopomo

2010-10-28T21:52:00.001-04:00

Hmm, to Nablopomo, or not to Nablopomo. That is the question. Do I have the imagination to continue writing everyday for a month, or am I just out of words? I just don't know.

John the Angel

2010-10-17T20:35:00.002-04:00

John was God sent. I believe he was an angel sent to me for a short period of time. I really believe that. I believe that sometimes when things aren’t right, when the karma is off, or God wants us to complete a task, and we aren’t succeeding, there is divine intervention. For me it needs to be a slap upside the head. I just don’t get subtle hints; I need direct orders. I guess I’m not a good listener. The slaps come often enough though, and it seems to work out just fine.

John came to me from one of the churches that volunteered at the food bank. Once or twice a year, each church would be assigned a month to work on Fridays. It was just a few hours. They had a representative talk to the parishioners and make a sign up list, and then I would get two people that would come in each Friday and help me. I had regular volunteers for each week, but these people helped with odds and ends. I was grateful to have the help.

This particular church messed up their month. They didn’t get the volunteer notice out quick enough, so the minister took it upon himself to volunteer his time. Friday morning came; he forgot to come. I called the church and left a message that said, as nicely as I could, that we needed him and to please come. That was when I met John; the minister never made it. He was a retired senior, in his sixties but looked a good few years younger. He introduced himself to me, and I put him to work; boy did he work! He didn’t stop one minute. Well, he came the next week, and the next week, and continued to work with us until I left the job, which was a few years later.

John would take on any job I needed done. He was willing to work hard and long, but he had one flaw. He made boundaries that he couldn't keep. He’d tell me what time he had to leave after working, I always agreed, but usually when that time came, he stayed a half an hour longer, sometimes more. He was my angel, God sent, and I was so grateful.

I told him how much I appreciated him; I couldn’t tell him enough actually. I needed him to know. I’m glad I did, because John recently died. I guess God needed his angel closer by. Perhaps he’s got a bigger job for John. I’m sorry to see that the earth is missing my angel, but I hope another has wrapped their wings around John and made him realize how special he was to me. He helped me help a lot of people. He helped me appreciate how good people can be.

Thank you John.

Open Hearts, Closed Minds

2010-10-10T22:25:00.004-04:00

You pretend to be my friend,

but you only want me to serve you.

You have judgements that I do not understand.

I have grown hoping there would be some kind

of understanding.

A second chance,

An opening of arms,

A gentleness,

A trust.

I have learned that I do not need you,

I have learned that 'need' is toxic.

I have learned that I have grown,

I have learned that I have not grown at all.

I will go on,

once again with hopes

of revival.

Some day perhaps

we will meet with an open mind

that will be ten times more powerful

than the poison brought upon us now.

Finding an Abstract Hair Style

2010-07-26T20:06:00.011-04:00

I’m in mourning. I thought it was because of my vanity, I’ve always been somewhat vein. I believe I’ve used it to my advantage though, gone overboard quite a few times, but since I have a number of years and experience under my belt, I do believe I’m qualified to say I have put it in a safe place. It’s kind of like our ego. People say it’s bad thing to have, but I believe that if you get to understand what it is, you can use it in a way that will help you through life, as long as you truly know where to keep it. Back to my vanity and mourning since this really is all about me. My situation is my hair, or so I thought. I started going grey a few years back. I always pictured myself as an older woman with a full head of grey hair, almost white. I love grey hair. My greying hair was not pretty though. It became spotty. My normal hair color changed too. I was always a brunette with highlights from the sun. It turned dark, but it was natural; I was proud of that. Since my hair was changing, and I never had the opportunity to color it, I thought I would take the plunge and give it a lift. Well coloring it didn’t work out for me, and after a year of trying to grow out the color, I realized it wasn’t going to grow out. My ignorance got the better of me, so I decided to take the plunge again. Now I have a dilemma, but right now I’m in transition, and I’ll just have to wait before doing something else. I’m not sure what tomorrow may bring other than I have become completely aware that I will never see my hair the way it was, ever again. This has completely turned my emotions upside down.

For days now I have obsessed. How could I possibly be this vein? How could I care that much when on a daily basis I come home from work looking like a train wreck? I work outside, I just don’t care that much, it’s not that important to me, well okay, sometimes it is.

While I was lying in bed this morning, I realized that it’s not so much the hair that’s bothering me. I think that I’m finally realizing my mortality. I’m thinking that I need to accept that my hair will never be the same ever again, and this is probably going to happen to a lot more of me. I’ve reached that dreadful age, the mid-life. You know, the age where we aren’t so…well let’s say where we aren’t so young anymore. Because of my new reality check, I'm suddenly aware of myself, maybe too aware. I have to admit though, I’m happy to see some things go, mostly that dreadful monthly cycle. I can’t wait for that thing to stop; no mourning over that! The breasts though, oh gosh, I might cry over that one, or should I say two. And then there’s the acceptance that I’m closer to the end of my life than to the beginning of it, but I won’t overwhelm myself today with that. I just want to stay focused on this one thing, put my thoughts in this post, and move on with my emotions intact.

So as I get older, I must realize that at times I’ll be in mourning, but it is as it should be, and I’ve got to get a grip. My hair as I knew it, is gone, and there will be more changes to come. I think I’ll get on the train instead of trying to run along side it or letting it run me over. I need to accept my maturity, embrace it, and live a full life, no matter what’s brought my way. I think I’ll allow myself to mourn, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the happiness I deserve. As for today, I’ll wear a hat again until I can find the right person to make my hair acceptable. I hope that it ends up being different but fun, so I can move on to finding the right bra for when that reality is more than I care to deal with. Until then, all I can wish for is to live happy, to love, and to accept. After all, it is the journey that counts, right?

Until next time: May your age be as perfect for you as you are it. May your heart be rich with love from the people that care for you, and may you fill the hearts of those you care for.

Stacey

2010-07-19T22:22:00.005-04:00

I didn't know her really. She knew me though, I would come to the restaurant in the morning and wait for Bud, my boss. He was usually the late one. She always brought my coffee in one hand, my placemat in the other. "Will Bud be joining you?" she'd say. The reply was usually yes. Then she'd politely walk away and leave me alone to read what ever it was I had in my hands to read that morning. I think I told her my sister's name was Stacey and that's how I'd always remember her name. It was one of those moments where my thoughts were loud in my head, but now that I think about it, I don't remember if I actually said it. I wanted to, but I think I thought it would be no big deal to her. Maybe I never did tell her. Now I wish I had.

Stacey died this morning. I don't think she was any older than twenty five, if she was, she didn't look it. She always wore her hair in a bun, her neck was long, and her body very slim. She had a ballerina's body. I never asked her if she was ever a dancer either. I should have.

She died in a car accident. She was late to work, perhaps she was speeding. No one knew what happened by the time I found out, that was around 1:00 today. The authorities weren't telling people the details, I guess they hadn't quite figured it out yet.

I must have stormed into the restaurant just after finding out, because everyone inside turned and looked at me as I entered. I looked around and realized all the girls were already crying; their faces were swollen and their eyes were puffy. Inside my head I said, "ah shit." Out of my mouth came, "I'm so sorry." Then I hugged everyone of them.

I guess I'll find out tomorrow what happened. For now, I'll say a prayer and hope that the people that loved her will be okay. I'm sorry for Stacey, she apparently just began getting her life together, poor thing. Life is so fragile, life is so precious, but sometimes I guess we forget.

The American Beech Tree

2010-02-18T21:10:00.005-05:00

Fagus Grandifolia. The American Beech tree grows best in rich, moist, well drained soil. That's probably why it grows so well in the forests in Connecticut. I love the trunk of the American Beech, it looks like the skin of an elephant. We have one in our back yard that looks like an elephants behind. It's split perfectly appearing to have legs. American Beeches have a shallow root system, so it really doesn't like city life, but can establish as deep as five feet into the soil. It can grow as high as 100 feet and 70 feet wide.

People are known to carve their initials into the smooth pale gray bark of the this tree because it will stay there as long as the tree stays alive.

The broad leaves are approximately three inches in length and will turn a pale yellow during the fall and stay on the tree in the winter when the tree is young, like in this picture. When the tree matures, the yellow leaves in the winter are less prevalent.

The Beech tree is more tolerant of shade than red oak, red maple, and yellow poplar. It's partly due to the low respiration rate and the quick response of the stomata which open when there is a sudden burst of sunlight and close quickly when the light diminishes.

Sources: http://www.blueplanetbiomes.org/american_beech.htm, http://www.yale.edu/fes505b/beech.html, http://www.na.fs.fed.us/pubs/silvics_manual/volume_2/fagus/grandifolia.htm

I'm Hoping to Get My Arborists License

2010-02-02T20:26:00.005-05:00

Yes, It's true. I've been working in the trees now for about 21 months. I love being outside and tending to mother nature. I must confess I also have my own business, it's called Sandy Ingellis LLC. I started it hoping that I could help some people out in garden design. I'm not a landscaper, nor am I a landscape architect. I just garden. I have a long line of design experience and garden experience, and thought that I could put it to use designing gardens. I started last year, and so far it seems to be working out just fine. I help a friend of mine that's in the tree business, and we kind of share business together. Mostly it's me helping him with his business, but I get some jobs for myself; I like it this way while I'm learning as much as I can.

I've decided to go for my arborists license. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it; I hear the test is hard. I've decided though, to help me study, I'm going to be posting my studying on this blog. Studying trees is a lot more involved than just trying to identify them.

Little by little I hope that everything I'm learning will sink in, and I'll pass this test. Then while I'm designing gardens, I can include the trees of choice and even prune them if necessary. Until then, I'm hoping to keep connected with mother nature and keep my own growth intact.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-01-16T09:12:00.001-05:00

Maia's in Heat

2009-12-29T16:57:00.003-05:00

Oh my gosh, I forgot what it was like when a female goes into heat. Full blown heat, yelling and screaming like she's in more pain than a person who's been shot in the leg. All night long, all day long; she just doesn't tire! So I called the vet. I just wasn't sure what her problem was. First I thought it was separation anxiety, my son thought it was because her kitty litter wasn't clean enough (I thought we'd be in big trouble if that was the case). So the vet's office said oh yea, she's just the right age. Is she yelling like she's in pain? Why yes! Is she sticking her rear end in the air when you pet her? Well yea, but don't all cats do that? Well then does she have a look of "oh my god that feels good, when you pet her by her tail"? I wasn't sure so I tried it, holy cow, she's really in heat!

She is scheduled to be spayed on January 6th. Oh to get a good night sleep, I cannot wait until the house is quiet once more!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T13:18:00.002-05:00

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas, and may 2010 bring you good health, prosperity, and a year full of love.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-10T20:42:00.001-05:00

Carol of the Bells - 2008 Holdman Christmas Display from Richard Holdman on Vimeo.

NaBloPoMo 2009

2009-11-01T12:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I decided to do it again. Post everyday for a month in November on Nablopomo. I'm not posting on this blog though, I decided to post a picture every day instead of write. I seem to be at a loss for words these days. Anyway, come visit me here, if you want to see what I'm doing. It's just actually the other page to this blog.

I'm looking forward to posting again, it certainly has been a while. I also look forward to visiting some bloggers that I haven't had the chance to see in a while.

Until next time: May November bring you blessings beyond your imagination.

Fall is for Hiking!

2009-10-25T17:16:00.006-04:00

I usually walk trails every weekend in the Autumn. This Autumn was tough though because of the weather. I finally had the chance to hike today. Such a beautiful time of year!

This was at the Whittemore Sanctuary near where I live. Want to see some more of my photos? Click here.

People

2009-10-09T07:01:00.004-04:00

The ewoks, the gnomes, and the plain. We are such an interesting mix of cells and flesh that make up our world. Last night I looked closely at the older gentlemen that sang opera and recited poetry to me. I saw every wrinkle, every dimple. Not a pretty man by all means, but he had a voice that sang as beautiful as a Cardinal. Last night, he just wanted to be heard; that was okay with me!

Missy

2009-09-06T21:15:00.004-04:00

I brought home a cat that was living at the yard. The yard is a place where we keep all the timber, trucks, and equipment from the tree business. Missy had kittens and was trying to nurse them in a hole in the barn. It was a horrible place for the babies, and a racoon broke in one night. I couldn't handle it. I took Missy and the kittens home in hopes to save a few lives.

The kittens were absolutely adorable. Missy being the good mother that she was brought them up to be a little afraid but not too afraid. They were so cute that they now have homes. Whizzy went to a neighbor and Maia is kind of my grandchild; my youngest son took her to his apartment up at school.

Missy took it all in stride and was happy to have a home. She started playing with me during the morning and would greet me in the evening when I came home. Then she got the itch to go outside. I wasn't sure if I should keep her. The wildness in her was haunting her, and she just had to go outside. She reminded me of the movie "Born Free" only on a much smaller scale.

She would sit out on the screened in porch and just look out at the yard. I finally gave in and let her out. She loved it, she played and would come back in at certain times, as if checking in to see if it was all real or not.

One day, I let her out in the morning and she wouldn't come in before I left for work. I had to leave her out; she certainly was not something I could chase. I came home that evening and couldn't find her. It got dark, and I still couldn't find her. My heart sank. I thought that if I didn't find her soon, the chances of finding her in the morning would be small; after all I've been through this senerio before with the other cats at the yard.

The next morning came around, no Missy. The next, nothing. Then for the first time ever, I saw a coyote cross my back yard. He was no small animal, and he looked healthier than I was. I knew then that my chances of getting Missy back were next to not at all.

My heart breaks for Missy. She was a special cat and a good mother. I feel so awful for letting her outside. Today Maia came back with my son and I cried. I enjoy having Maia around, but Missy should have been here to see her little girl growing up.

Until next time: sometimes mother nature is just plain cruel. Sometimes mother nature will make us cry just because we're ignorant. May your day be full of better feelings than mine.

Susan Died

2009-09-01T14:11:00.006-04:00

When I first met Susan, she was destitute, or so she told me. I considered her that way because she had nothing except a young daughter about thirteen years old. They had decided to do a "girls day out" for the day, and they wanted to take a hay ride for Halloween that evening to make it complete. It cost about $12.00 and she didn't have the money. She asked the social worker if the town could help. It turned out that the town couldn't, but we could. I had been given some tickets for people like her to go for free.

Susan told me about what they had done up to the point of our discussion. They had lunch together at home and given each other facials with Elmer's glue. They put it all over their faces and then peeled it off, giggling the whole time. She even asked me to inspect her skin to see how beautiful it was. She had nice skin, but I was sure that Elmer's would not advise anyone to do this kind of facial. I giggled with them, while quietly stepping outside my comfortable box.

Sue took her daughter on the hayride and called me the next day to thank me for the wonderful gift. I made sure I thanked the people that had donated those tickets and told them that they made some children very happy.

Sue's life went down hill from there. She ended up a drug addict, an alcoholic, and put her daughter through some of the worst years I've seen. I don't know where her daughter is anymore, last I heard, she was a drug addict too at 21.

I learned to dislike Sue. I hated what she did to herself and what she did to the precious life she gave. Her daughter was taken away from her at times when things really got bad, but it didn't help.

So now Sue has died, I think she was 51. I wonder if her daughter misses her. I pray that her daughter now find a healthy kind of love. I pray that she is able to get some help and learn that her life is important and means much more than what she was taught.

Until next time: may you know in your heart that you make a difference everyday.

I'm Beginning to Get Tired of the ....

2009-08-12T22:48:00.003-04:00

I've been watching and listening a lot. I'm not sure if I've been the best observer, but I'm starting to get the idea that there are an awful lot of controlling people in this world. Sometimes there are so many in one day that I wonder if I have any control over my own life at all. There are people who have to control everything that happens around them, and there are people who just control some of what happens. I haven't met anyone yet that has been able to let go and just allow the moment to happen. With that said, I wonder how controlling I am. I'm not asking for anyone's opinion, I'm sure there are people in my life that will say I'm very controlling. I do wonder if I have a realistic view of how I see myself though.

How many times am I going to be untold not to think? I'm well aware that I didn't use the proper language in that last sentence, but you might get the gist of what I'm saying. If I'm not controlling, does any of this matter?

One thing I did get out of all the religious classes I took, which aren't that many. I learned that trying control everything will only get you running around in circles. It will trap you into thinking that the world is as you see it, and you will find your self unable to grow as an individual. The really sad part of that is, you won't know how small you really are.

Until next time: I hope that I have the ability to let go and allow life to help me grow. Like a cool rain shower on my skin, I hope I feel it happening. May you be blessed with people who want to share in your growth.

I haven't left

2009-08-04T08:09:00.001-04:00

Really!

New Hartford

2009-07-26T22:17:00.001-04:00

Visited Barkhamsted's Saville Dam today and then stopped for coffee in New Hartford. A nice afternoon! And I thought the day would be full of nothingness.

Hartford Connecticut

2009-07-22T07:55:00.005-04:00

Note to myself: Don't go to Hartford again if you can help it.

I volunteered to help a young man the other day; he had to go to the court house in Hartford and can't drive due to a chainsaw accident. His leg was severed, and the only way he can get around right now is by wheel chair. He'll be okay, but it will take a good year before he will start feeling like himself again; I'm not sure when he'll be able to walk or drive.

Anyway, I parked right outside the courthouse. There is metered parking but apparently the meters aren't working the way they used to. No more depositing a quarter in the meter next to your car, now you must find an automated meter somewhere on the street, pay for your time - which I paid a little extra knowing that I wouldn't be so long (the states could use the extra cash, so a quarter here and there certainly can't hurt) - and then display the ticket you receive on your dashboard so the ticket police can see it. Well, I did all that.

When I came back to the car, there was a parking violation on my windshield. I got into my car and noticed the ticket that I bought was on the floor. Apparently the ticket that I put on the dashboard blew off when I closed the door. I looked at the violation, the charge was $25.00 and increases to $50.00 if it's not paid within two days. I figured surely this was mistake that I could immediately take care of. My ticket that I bought had an hour left, I'll take it to the courthouse, show someone there that it was a mistake and they'll void it. I should know better than to have faith in the bureaucracy of the government! They said that I had to go to the parking authority somewhere else in the city and talk to them. The clerk I talked to at the courthouse was nice enough to give me directions on how to get there since my travels to Hartford are rare, and I don't know my way around.

After driving around for another half hour or so, I finally found the parking authority. I had to park in a parking garage around the corner. I talked to a young woman who was more interested in talking on her cell phone, in a different language, than to care about my problem. She looked at my violation and said that I had to go to another portion of the parking authority and make a court date to fight the violation. I could feel my blood pressure rise because my head started pounding. I counted to ten, then explained that I lived far away and why would I want to do that when it was a mistake on their part. She looked at me like it was my problem and seemed in hurry to get back to her phone call. I paid for the violation instead of making that court date. It cost me twenty dollars; why they lowered it five dollars I will never know.

I angrily went to my car where Josh was waiting for me; it was better not to have to wheel him around. As I approached the gate to leave the garage, the meter at the gate said that I owed them $.75 for parking, they didn't take cash, and I had to use my credit card! What! Are you kidding me! Just then a car pulled up behind me, and apparently I was taking too long and started beeping his horn. I had to call the parking clerk, I couldn't believe they were going to charge my credit card $.75. Sure enough he said that I had to back up and go to another entrance where they could take cash. I looked in my rare view mirror and the guy behind me pulled up closer to my car still beeping. I guess that's not an option I told the clerk. I put in my credit card and drove away with boiling blood.

I looked at Josh, and said calmly, "I will never come back to Hartford if I can ever help it, and this is one of the reasons that the cities in Connecticut are doing so poorly." He looked at me and said "can we laugh about this later?" I replied,"yea, I'm sure we will. First I have to get over spending $22.75 for and hour of parking."

Taking a Day Off

2009-07-06T08:23:00.011-04:00

It seems that when ever I'm busy, I think about having a day or two to relax. I day dream of sitting in my hammock or my screened in porch and relaxing, maybe even taking a nap or reading a good book. I imagine the tension running out of my body, as if I were turning on a faucet to clear the pipes.

I took time this weekend to relax. I was tired; I slept a lot. Today is perfect. It should be about 80 degrees Fahrenheit, sunny, and there are no clouds in the sky to threaten a thunderstorm. I'm posting on my screened in porch and looking at my perennial garden thinking there's work to be done out there. I get excited when I realize I have the time work in my own yard. I love the solitude and being able to work in my own little space without having to answer to anyone. It gives me a sense of freedom that I cannot explain.

I think of Anna Hyatt Huntington (1876-1973) who was a sculptor; her work is fabulous. What I love the most about her was her determination. She was probably eccentric but she did what she wanted her way. I think I would like to be more like her. I'm not the artist she was, but I believe we are all artists in our own way, it's a matter of how we express it.

So my little fantasy of relaxing on the porch has come true, but now my body wants to jump up and get outside to work - so much for relaxing with a good book. Perhaps later I'll get that hammock out with my book and take a nap; by then it will be well deserved.

Until next time: may you have a day full of fantasies come true and your surroundings filled with something you have created for yourself. May we all have the chance to share our art with the people who care about us.

Independence

2009-07-03T21:56:00.008-04:00

When I was younger I hated fireworks. They were loud, and I was afraid they would hurt people. Having four other siblings, I really had no choice but to go and see them whether I liked them or not. Most of the time I tried to block my ears and close my eyes. I usually had a lot of "oh God, please don't kill us" thoughts.

I eventually learned to love them but treated the fourth of July differently with my children. I wanted to make sure they were not traumatised as I was, so I introduced the fireworks slowly and cautiously. They never had the problem I had; at least I don't think they did.

When I hear fireworks, I still hate them, but when I see them I am in awe. I think about what we as a country have gone through to gain our independence and how many people died for what we have today.

All in all, I'm grateful for the holiday, the fireworks, and certainly our freedom. So I wish you a happy Independence Day. I hope everyday is your own, you have the chance to speak your mind freely, believe what you want without being punished for it, and to tell your friends and children all that matters to you. Happy Independence Day, may we be blessed with freedom for years and years to come.

The Will to Live

2009-06-26T22:21:00.004-04:00

I've adopted a mother cat and her two kittens for a short while. The mother, I call her "Missy," lives at the yard where I work. The yard is more like a place that has a barn and some property. It's where we store trucks, tools, wood, and what ever is necessary for the Arborist I work for to keep his business going.

Missy had two kittens, they are now almost four weeks old. Well, Missy got sick and was looking very thin, so I decided to take her home by way of the vet in town; of course the little ones were in tow. I wanted to keep them safe until they were old enough to go back to the yard.

It's a tough life at the yard. Even though there are many things to play on, they are fed like kings and queens, and are able to chase mice and birds, there are what I call monsters that come in the night and ... well the cats can disappear. It's horrible, a part of nature, and yes I hate it. I've learned to accept natures way of working, thanks to National Geographic and other channels on television that help me understand the process of life in the wild. It does not however, give me a ticket to accept it all. I don't and I can't, and that's why I brought Missy home!

I've been watching this little family of cats now for about a week. Each day the kittens are getting stronger, and now that Missy is dewormed, had her rabies shot, and given a good bill of health, the family is thriving.

Every one of these cats has such a huge desire to live. I see Missy trying to weane her babies by walking away and allowing her babies to cry a little longer each time. I see these babies trying to learn to eat out of a bowl instead of momma's milk. They are so little! They are just starting to be able to see me. One little kitten looks at me with a stare as if to say, "are you my mother?"

The will to live. I think we all learn from animal's desire to live. That may be why many of us have a pet. I don't know. What I do know is that right now, I'm watching these little ones appreciate life. It's kind of an inspiration coming from such a little critter.

New York Botanical Gardens - June 2009

2009-06-21T21:27:00.001-04:00

The very last peony.

click here to see a few more flowers.

Happy Fathers Day!!

2009-06-21T08:15:00.002-04:00

It's not easy being a dad. I just want to thank my husband for being one of best fathers I've ever seen, for being there when they needed you. For being there when it came time for them to be men. Thank you for doing the best you could. You are a great dad!

Animals and Bugs

2009-06-19T09:58:00.000-04:00

Life is Like a Garden, or is it the Other Way Around?

2009-06-18T11:52:00.006-04:00

I used to think that when I planted something it was forever; provided it was a forever type of plant, like a tree or bush. Forever never meant "forever," but it was long enough for me to know that I would probably not see it die, or taken out because it was too big. When I started really gardening I realized that my gardens didn't stay the same for more than a season or two. In fact just about every season there was change; new plants popped up every spring, there were even some plants that I couldn't tell where they came from! I also noticed that the soil and the formation of the ground can change from season to season. If we have an unstable winter where the ground freezes and then thaws, the soil loosens up. Sometimes even the plants pop right out of the ground like someone was pulling weeds and pulled up those precious perennials instead.

I like this about gardening, you never really know what your garden will evolve to. You can try to control it, but mother nature will rule in the end. She will do what she pleases and you can only roll along with the punches, and the benefits, and do the best you can to keep your garden the way you like it.

Like the garden, life is also. My life really is just a cluster of me planting the things I like best. I have only so much control of what will happen and what it will look like. In the end, together with mother nature, God, or what ever storms are brought upon me, I will have dealt with my life the best I could. In just one storm, or one tragedy, everything can change. Until then I will tend to my life and care for the days I am given. I have plenty of weeds that need to be pulled and flowers that need dead heading. I even have plants that I have seen grow too old to keep hanging onto. I hope that I can share my garden with friends who respect the amount of work that I've put into it, and have the time to sit and laugh about the funny little things that happen along the way.

Until next time: may your garden be full of old traditional beauties and new seedlings to keep things moving along.

Dinner with Friends

2009-06-10T07:10:00.005-04:00

I had dinner last night with a friend from the past; it was so nice catching up. We talked about what's happened since the last time we saw each other, our children, work, health, other friends (maybe a little gossup, but kept that to a minimum), and what we want. Our friends from the past always remember who we were, good and bad. Sometimes I prefer to only be known as who I am right now, but those who knew me when I was young and stupid bring me to a place that perhaps is more realistic.

Laughter helps the heart and head. Wine brings out the laughter in me.

Until next time: may you be filled with laughter and good friends today.

Chain Saws

2009-06-06T22:04:00.003-04:00

It was a scream like I've never heard before. Once it registered in my head that it was serious, I ran as fast as I could to my car to get the phone and dialed 911. The dispatcher was too cheerful, what in the world would she be happy about, doesn't she know this is going to be a horrible phone call?

I told the cheerful woman what town I was in, just in case she didn't know. I wasn't sure that when you call 911 from a cell phone, if the dispatcher could find you immediately or not. I then gave her the address. She said, "what's the problem." "It's a chainsaw injury, please hurry!" I was gasping for air. "Please hurry!" I could feel my heart beating every beat, I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. The cheerful woman asked if I could tell her what the injury was. "It's a chainsaw injury, it's really bad, do the details make a difference?" She was no longer cheerful, maybe I was too firm.

Every minute that went by, the screams seemed to get louder. Two of the men were with the injured person, they were working on controlling the bleeding and trying to keep him from getting worse.

I didn't know if he was bleeding to death, he passed out a few times. I knew that because the screaming stopped for a few seconds. All I knew was the saw went through his leg. I didn't know if it was cut off or not.

The ambulance came, and the medic finally showed up. They needed more men to get him up the hill, and finally the screaming stopped, but only because the ambulance left with him in it.

His leg was cut above the boot. The chainsaw went through both bones, muscles, and tendons. It did not sever the artery or the tendons in the back of the leg. They kept his foot separated from his leg for two days, and put him back together on Thursday. He's still in excruciating pain; maybe tomorrow will be a better day. The doctor says it'll be a a year of recovery, and if an infection sets in, he could still lose his foot.

If you're thinking about using a chainsaw, get chaps, a helmet, and make sure the area you're working in is clear of brush.

Stories from the Nursing Home

2009-06-05T11:42:00.004-04:00

My mom had a visit at the nursing home. It was a buck, he was tall, friendly, and rather young since he only had a few horns. He stopped by to say hello. As he turned into my mom's room, she told him he should leave because he could get hurt. She then heard a shot and realized her visitor had been hit. "I don't know who shot him," she said, "but he dropped dead. He was bleeding from the mouth." I asked if it upset her. She said it did and went on to talk about some more of her friends as if it were an activity she's seen often.

She's on pain meds and often reality can be a little distorted. I didn't think she'd remember the tail, so I moved on from it. I did think about it a little later though. I wondered if it meant anything, perhaps it had some deep meaning from her thoughts, kind of like interpreting a dream.

I visited her again a few weeks later. She was in good spirits, a little depressed but remarkably well for someone stuck in a bed in a nursing home. She asked if I had remembered her friend the deer that died? I told her I did, so she went on to tell me about the bull that came to see her a few days earlier. "He was huge," she said, "he was black as the night." She could hear him coming down the hall from the way his hoofs hit the linoleum floor. Sure enough he stopped in her room to say hello and then left as fast as he came. Without hesitation she went on to talk about politics or something; I had trouble following her conversation since there was a little uneasiness inside me.

Someone told me once that there is only one reality; it's all based from facts. Only the facts can help you see reality as it should be. This was told to me by a priest!

Strippers and Nursing Homes

2009-05-17T21:59:00.002-04:00

I usually visit my mom on Wednesdays at the rehab center/nursing home. It's a full day of work, I go home to shower, then I visit with mom for about an hour or so. When I walked in this past Wednesday, something seemed off. All the women were in this very large room, there was very contemporary music playing loudly, and a man was sitting on a woman's lap.

I have never seen a male stripper before. It's not that I didn't want to see one, I just never quite had the guts to make the effort. Tonight apparently was the night, and boy was it a hoot!

My mom was the only woman who didn't want to be a part of it. She said she's seen enough young men in her life, she likes them old and round; not sure I wanted to interpret that one! Anyway, he was quite the man! Stripped down to his thong, well almost anyway. The women went absolutely crazy; I guess at the age of 70 or older it just doesn't matter what people think anymore.

The woman in the center of the room was probably 73, he was sitting on her lap and she opened his pants to see all the parts! What a hoot!

Nursing homes can be so depressing, but this night was a night a laughter, and the energy in the air was that of many teenagers! What a great gift to give to the residents for a day!

David Letterman

2009-05-17T21:56:00.002-04:00

My son, the one that graduated from college and moved to NYC, got us tickets to go see David Letterman. What a great show. I got so caught up in the excitement and the entertainment that my face was sore after the show from smiling so much.

Thank you Eric, your a good boy. Happy birthday too honey, what a wonderful man you turned into!

So I Can Talk about it, but...

2009-05-11T23:18:00.002-04:00

Jury duty was interesting. It was a shooting, a gang shooting to boot. Just like in West Side Story, there were two people that had a problem with one another. One kid kicked the side of another guys car and dented it. The next day, there was a scheduled fight in front of a store. One gang arrived in the morning, the other gang waited for them to show up. It was supposed to be a fist fight, but one guy brought a gun. After some fighting, the guy with the gun got pretty angry and decided to start shooting. Six bullets later he managed to wound someone. The guy that got shot had some pretty extensive surgery and recovery.

What amazed me in the end is that the guy that got shot is in jail for something else. He's currently got over 100 larceny charges on his record. All the people that testified from the shooting, all have records. The guy that's going to jail for the shooting, was already in jail!

I felt for the women who testified, it was obvious that they were scared. They have very little education, and they are making babies with these gangsters. They haven't got a chance! I wouldn't want to mess with the women from there though, they seemed tougher than the guys.

It's a part of America I prefer to pretend is not there, but it's there and I really think we need to do something. I would love to ask these gangsters if they would join our armed forces. Too bad we can't get these kids early, they seem to be warriors that need a reason to live. I really think the service would do them good.

By the way, everyone involved in the fight and shooting were all under 29 years old.

The Computer Crashed

2009-05-03T21:04:00.003-04:00

Our computer crashed. Like a bird falling out of the sky, just like that, gone in a flash. Thank goodness I have a son that's in computer engingeering and a husband that can handle all the quirky things that need to be done to put Humpty back together again.

It's back, the computer I mean, like new I might add. Except I no longer have all the information that was stored in my files. I had the sense to back all my stuff up on memory sticks; learned that from experience. But all my photos are now in a new place along with everything that I've written. Some photos are stored on sites; glad I did that too.

I guess I could use this as an excuse to take all new photos. Perhaps go on new trails, take my camera to work with me, maybe even take some new family photos.

Until next time: I'm still hanging in space, but I think I'll be back. Cecily used to say she's going delete her blog. Right now I'm beginning to understand what she was talking about.

Bright Days, Mixed up Minds

2009-04-25T20:27:00.003-04:00

Today was a beautiful spring day; in the 80's with the sun shining bright. You could almost hear the buds on the flowers opening. Everything living showed some sort of change. People greeted people with a smile, leaves began to sprout, grass grew, and the birds chirped loudly.

I had class today and I've made a new friend. It's kind of funny how people make a preliminary judgement and then decide whether you'd be worthy to persue. I don't exactly give any signs that I'm approachable these days. I'm not sure why; maybe I'm just focused on other things, or maybe I'm at an age where I don't care. In anycase, my classmate has made the approach; I'm glad she did. We have to take statistics next semester and we are both terrified to take it. We decided to do it together so we can study together; a bond that has formed which I am very pleased about. She said something to me that I already knew about myself, but am not sure what to do with. She mentioned that how she thought that I had it all together. She could tell by the way I dressed, and the way I present myself. We got into a conversation about first impressions, and I finally confessed to her that I'm trying to change that image.

I don't think of myself as together, proper, or structured. Not all the time anyway. Sometimes I feel like the weather. Changing by the minute, with turmoil in my head. Other days I feel fine, like a spring day; full of happiness.

I guess all this really doesn't matter, it's just an observation, and now that I have written about it, I have to get back to my math homework.

Distappeared

2009-04-21T20:49:00.002-04:00

Distappeared is word that my youngest made up back when my kids were little munchkins. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't completely decided never to blog again. I'm on jury duty, been there for a week now; it'll be a while longer. Can't talk about it, can't read about it. I have to say though, it's pretty cool being the fly on the wall.

So, for a while longer, I'm going to be distappeared.

Happy spring to you all. The flowers are bloomin and I'm feeling the new season!

The Beauty Parlor

2009-04-08T06:59:00.002-04:00

I don't have high maintenance hair; well at least up to this point I didn't. I've worn my hair long purposely because it's the easiest to care for. I wait months before getting it trimmed, and I've been fortunate enough to have a full head of healthy hair, so I could fake enough styles to dress my head up on special occasions.

Not any more! I'm looking a little older these days, the gray was coming through and finally I broke down to have my hair colored. I sat in the chair at the beauty parlor while catching a glance at two other women going through what I was about to do. My hairdresser said that he can color only the gray and not change my current hair color. Well go to it I said confidently. "Confindently!" since when do I say something to a hairdresser confidently! This is not me at all, what's happening to me? I did say it though, and away he went with his paint brush.

When it was over, he washed and dried my hair. "The gray is 75% gone," he said, and he made sure to say that I didn't have to be a slave to my hair. Hmmm! I looked, turned, looked again. Sure enough, the gray is gone.

Well, we'll see if I'm a slave to my hair now. I know that I'm going to have to see my hairdresser a little more than twice a year now. I wonder though, who will notice?

Trial and Error

2009-04-05T22:08:00.007-04:00

I'm learning in my math class that a lot of problem solving is done by trial and error. Every Sunday I work for hours working out equations trying to get them right. Once I get the correct answer, I look back and realize that the process should have been more obvious, and shorter, than the path I took. That's probably why the instructor has nick named me Cally -- short for California. She says I don't have to take the long way all the time. I admit I take the long road to my math solutions, but in the end, I know my solution is solid, and I have learned enough to hold a 95% average in the class. So calling me Cally is quite okay with me.

Then tonight, as I'm looking forward to having a summer with no school and just thought, sunshine, working outside, and enjoying life the way it should be. I realized that the way I handle math is probably the way I've handled my life. I've mostly learned my lessons the hard way. I've said in the past that I'm a slow learner, and at this point, I feel as though I've taken the long road where ever I've gone. I don't always like this route, but it's a part of me, and for now I will have to accept it.

I admire people that are able to learn the easy way, people that see the solution, take it and go on to the next phase of life (or math) quickly; maybe some time I'll see that route.

Until next time: may every path be an exciting one for you today, whether you learn the long or shortcuts of life, my wishes are that you are fulfilled in the end.

Here it Comes!

2009-03-29T21:22:00.003-04:00

The lightning came,
it was dark, but so bright.
Each clap seemed to have purpose.

The rain, the warmth,
the cold, the sun,
brings me to a new place
of cleanliness.

Spring has arrived
with a strength I will never quite understand.
Like a child learning to use his hands
for the first time.

Spring has sprung,
she has brought me these for today.
Which I will pause for
a moment to enjoy.

Until next time: may your heart feel renewed with each flower that blooms again for the first time.

My Baby Turned 21

2009-03-24T07:10:00.005-04:00

I survived one child turning 21, now my baby has turned 21! Where do the years go?

He was my little fiesty one. He got into everything and tested my patience constantly. When he was three, he decided to take a cover off my electrical outlet and drop a dime on a plug that was live, in the outlet. He melted the edges of the dime that touched the prongs! My electricity popped and went out; thankfully it was just a fuse. I asked him why he would do something like that; he answered as any three year old would, "I wanted to." I still have the dime!

He's now in engineering school, still trying to figure out why things work the way they do. For his birthday he went to New York City to spend the night with his brother, who is now 22. As my husband says, they probably just had some friends over and played a few video games!

I am blessed with two beautiful children in my life. I am thankful everyday that God gave me a chance to have them as my children. What a wonderful honor.

Happy Birthday Alex!

Until next time: May you be blessed today and always with some deep down, heart crazed happiness.

Tests of Life

2009-03-19T20:02:00.002-04:00

Ever just sit back in the evening and review your day? Have you ever reviewed all the close calls you had that would have have taken your life away in flash? How about things that could have changed your life forever in a flash? It's been one of those weeks for me. I've thought about all the things I've done, who's died that I know, or love for that matter, and who has left my life. I've thought about all the clients that walked into my office and told me about how their lives changed and it will never be the same again, and they needed help during the transition to get back on their feet so they could survive.

I had a kidney stone on Sunday; I went to the hospital instead of going to dinner because the pain became so unbearable that I was contemplating unlife instead of having to go through this pain once again. I made it through fine, thanks to morphine, but found myself in the hospital again on Tuesday with another stone, or blood clot, and again drugs did their magical trick.

It was all fine until today, I had to followup with my doctor and he told me that it might be much more serious trouble. I could have a kidney infection or worse kidney failure. Well, I've been in this corner before with someone telling me kidney was not normal, and perhaps I needed some extensive testing. Today my blood pressure went from 120/78 to 168/85. It still hasn't come down from the fiasco.

Turns out I'm fine, my kidney is getting back to normal, I didn't pass what I thought was an critter from the woods, what I passed really looked like a worm to me! Anyway, all day long I was thinking the worst; thinking about what I will do, what will I need to face.

Is this all a test that we go through each day? How many times does this happen in one day where our lives are put to the test of chance, we could survive and continue to live our normal life, or we could cross over and have to deal with the test of our lives?

I feel for people that have found out that their lives will change if they make it through the ordeal they are going through. My sister-in-law survived cancer -- non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Who survives this shit!

I will bow my head today and hope that tomorrow is just an ordinary day, with no excitement, with no tests, and be able to enjoy something so simple as laughter.

Until next time: I wish the same kind of day for you. I was lucky, perhaps you're not so lucky. I pray you find some peace and happiness in what you're going through. I pray that your day brings you something to appreciate and it not be a test to appreciate your life.

Time to Start Communicating Again

2009-03-08T21:04:00.003-04:00

I'm getting rusty since leaving my my last job, I think I'm starting to feel like a hermit. So I decided to try some of my communication skills out on this nice quiet gentleman that I saw sitting on a park bench.

I must be losing my touch, he said nothing to me. Come to think of it, this is happening to me a lot lately!

Snow Flakes from Heaven

2009-03-05T21:34:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, just when we think we've had enough, the heavens offer us something to remember.

Until next time: to my sister Shelley. Another one missed, another year gained. For the people that care about you, please give up those things that will take you away from us too soon.

Organized? Yes, oh Wait Maybe Not.

2009-03-01T18:52:00.004-05:00

I like to think that I'm organized. I can accomplish a lot during the day, week, and month when I put my mind to it; if I stay focused. Sometimes though, I feel like an imposter. Over the years I have come up with projects that I have half completed or never started in hopes that I would get to it. I had good intentions in the beginning, but when reality came knocking on my door, there was little time, so I put them away for another day.

So here I am, many years later thinking about my basement and the shelves that are lined with each carefully thought out project. The kids are gone, and now is the time I should be getting those creative little ideas done. It's not as I planned though; I'm working close to full time, going to school, and when it's time to stop, the last thing I want to do is start something new - or old.

I guess it's time to get focused. Get organized and stay there for a while. I know I can do it, the question is ... do I want to?

An Afternoon in the City

2009-02-22T21:05:00.008-05:00

We went into New York City yesterday. I've been so busy with work and school and children that I haven't had much time to take a breather, or to blog for that matter. I have a friend who is an artist, she had a showing at a gallery, so we decided that her show was good excuse to escape. I thought we would see our son now that he is a big city man, but he was busy with his new job and didn't have time to visit with us. I was sad that he couldn't take the time, but understood, so we were on to the next idea.

Donna Cleary's work is fabulous. She has worked hard at becoming a recognized artist; I'm so proud of her. I hope she is just as proud.

New York City is amazing. I love going into town for just a few hours to walk around. We took a train in this time; sometimes it's just too much trouble to drive. The ride is only about an hour, and I took my knitting along with me, so it seemed to go by quickly. We arrived at Grand Central Station which is like taking a step back in time. It is as beautiful now as it was many years ago; full of the kind of craftsmanship you would expect to see in any European city.

We went into the Apartment, which is a small bar just upstairs from the station. The carved woodwork is as beautiful as the forest, slightly dark and carved to perfection. It looks like an old gentleman's club, which perhaps it was at one time. My imagination runs a little wild thinking of the amount of people that may have entered this place.

We walked down Broadway in the banking district. It all had new meaning to me now with the crisis we're in. The area is still very beautiful, full of marble buildings, gardens in the center of the street; I could almost smell the power it once had on the world. The streets almost appear to have a dress code; proper and wealthy. I wonder what this area will look like a year from now.

There were plenty of homeless people. What city would be complete without them? Some were checking the garbage cans while others were getting their sleeping place in order. It breaks my heart to think that someone could think that they are so invisible. I tried not to think about it, but I can't make it go away.

So much to see, do, and write about. I think I will stop here, I don't like writing long posts, so perhaps tomorrow or another day soon I will write more about what I saw.

Until Next time: May there be moments in your day that you can stop and watch the wonderful world around you. As healthy or unhealthy as it may all be, we only have a small amount of time to learn from it.

Sabrina

2009-02-16T21:17:00.009-05:00

Sabrina is my favorite movie. Oh I love others too, but right now I love the old one with Audry Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart. It came out in 1954, before I was born, but I love watching it even now. I love how she changed from being a young woman with a crush, to a sophisticated young lady and got the better man.

I also love how her dad - John Williams, who played the driver, was able to save his pennies and get rich while investing in the same things that the Larrabees invested in.

I love old movies that had you go through the heartaches of the individuals while still managing to overcome their crisis and be happier for it.

The Stimulus Plan

2009-02-15T20:48:00.003-05:00

The stimulus bill passed on Saturday; we'll be paying an additional $787 billion in the coming years for getting this economy going. This scares the daylights out of me. From what I understand this is bill is not perfect in many ways. There are a lot of problems with it, but because the economy is so bad right now, getting this passed is essential to getting the economy going.

What worries me is what happens if this doesn't work? I hope this bill hasn't been pushed through in a rush just because someone needs to look fabulous; there's been enough of that already.

This will be a big week. We'll just have to wait to see what $787 billion will get us.

Extended Nursing Care

2009-02-08T13:02:00.003-05:00

Nursing homes aren't called "nursing homes" anymore. I believe they are called "extended nursing care facilities." Seems strange but I almost understand that changing the name would be good. I'd be afraid if my kids told me I needed to go a nursing home!

I was visiting with mom yesterday and had to leave the room for a short time. Her roommate was having something done and my mom needed a bed pan. I stood in the hall for a while watching the residents. I wish I could have taken pictures, there were so many opportunities for simple yet touching photos, but I thought that would be in bad taste, so I decided not to take the visual route. There were three women in front of the nursing station in their wheelchairs. Two were in heavy in discussion; they looked like they were discussing their children or religion or something serious. Both were turned toward each other as best they could and their eye contact was telling me they were paying attention to every word the other had to say.

There was another woman, I named her Catherine; it's a nice formal name for this lady. She was folding hand towels from a full basket on the floor. She took each towel one by one and folded it in what seemed like slow motion. She was careful in her creases and made sure the corners met; every towel seemed perfect. I walked by her once, it caused her to loose her concentration. I'm not sure if she was okay with the interruption or not.

There was another person, an elderly gentleman, he was in a wheelchair also, but this one was more like a little go-cart. He could go anywhere he wanted with the push of a button. He was pacing the halls as if he were walking. Going up one side and then down the other, almost like he was getting his exercise, but he wasn't because all he was doing was pushing a button. I looked at him when he went by; he was obviously on a mission, so I didn't want to interrupt.

Extended Nursing Facilities don't seem to be the best places to be; I've been in some pretty unhappy ones. This one though is a nice place. The nurses seem to care and the residents seem to be able to call this home. Why it's called the Summit I will never know, but the Summit is the place where my mother is, she's happy and that's all that counts right now.

So What Happens if the Bottom Falls Out?

2009-02-04T22:01:00.005-05:00

I've been doing a lot of listening. People are really getting discouraged. The consensus, from what I'm hearing, is if something doesn't change soon, we may all be doomed. The news papers, and God knows these are my favorite things to read each day-- I'm kidding for those that don't know me-- are just looking for us to all fall apart. Then they will have something more to write about and hopefully make the money they are so desperate for. If you talk to anyone who has a business they'll tell you that phone calls are down, and the orders are slight. Everyone seems to be waiting.

Waiting for what? What are we doing? Are we waiting for the government to bail us all out? We don't have to wait you know. We can do something about this, but it seems we've become so dependant on the government that we can't make a move unless someone tells us it's okay move ahead.

I don't have the answers to this crisis we're in, but I have to say that we as consumers, have the ability to turn our lives around. It's time to take our lives back. We can be self sufficient, we haven't lost the ability to be proud, honorable, and able. We can work hard, spend little, have only what is necessary, and still come out on top. We don't have to spend our money on things made in other countries, and we don't have to be so proud that we won't work hard for our money.

I'm worried because I don't know what happens when the bottom falls out. Will we be able to provide for our families? Will we be able to eat? Will we unite and accept our failures? I am full of hope, I only hope my hope is not pointless.

The Premio Dardos Award

2009-02-02T06:42:00.011-05:00

The Premio Dardos Award was given to me by Peggy, thanks Peg.

It was also given to me by Lin. Thank you Lin, you are my first.

Here is the official text that accompanies this award."This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like these have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."

I am supposed to pass this award along to 15 other bloggers and contact them to let them know they've been selected. I'm not sure that I know 15 bloggers that I can pass this on to, but I'm going to pick everyone I visit daily, even if they have already been picked. The blogs I read are all full of heartfelt and cultural writings. I love every one of my blogging friend's blogs s so you are all chosen. To keep this going though, and because I think it's a nice award, here are the people I'm choosing.

Cecily, Deanna, Cherie, Angela, Diane, Tracy, Lin, Sandy Carlson, Kay, Caryn, Lisa, Joyce, Mike, and Patty.

There you have it, it's not fifteen, but these are all worth visiting.

Train from New York City to the Suburbs

2009-02-01T20:56:00.006-05:00

My oldest just graduated from college. I am feeling a little empty now that my baby is all grown up and moving on. Happy for him, yes, so much that my heart is full of excitement. Somehow though I miss him already; he's moving to New York City tomorrow to live with his best friend and begin his new life.

New York City! I think of 911, Wallstreet, shopping, the Empire State building, Broadway, fear, success. My baby is moving to New York City!

I am crying silently, I don't want him to know how much I will miss that face, that smile, those loving statements he makes to me when we're alone.

I cry, my tears are silent. My hope is for him to be safe, happy, healthy, and wise, and I pray that I see him often.

Trees

2009-01-26T19:43:00.011-05:00

I really do love trees, along with rocks, flowers, and just about anything else that you might find outside. I have recently learned about the Live Oak. It's home is in the southern part of the United States, and it grows mighty proud. I went through a town called Georgetown, South Carolina. It's a quaint little town that has Live Oaks that line the streets. I'm not sure if the people knew what they were getting into when they planted these giants; when they get to be one hundred years old, these trees are going to take over this town. Right now though they are beautiful. I also visited Brookgreen Gardens while we were down near Myrtle Beach. Anna Hyatt Huntington and her husband, Archer Huntington lived on this approximately 9,000 acre estate. The garden was design by Anna and Archer, and when they left the area they turned the property into a 501(c)3 non-profit so we could all enjoy it today. This property was originally a plantation that had Live Oaks planted 250 years ago along the roadway near the house, the house is no longer there. The trees are giants now; the one pictured below is on the property.

As I learn more about trees and how to help them be healthy, I appreciate the energy they put into growing, and how they help our environment. These Live Oaks are a beautiful expression of history and what mother nature is forever offering.

I believe

2009-01-25T20:10:00.007-05:00

These are some pictures I took along the Carolina coast while I was away last week. I put them together with some of the words from "I Believe" a beautiful writing that has an unknown author. This is a reminder for me to appreciate today, and everyday.

Here are the words to "I Believe"

I believe that only one person in a thousand knows the trick of really living in the present. Most us spend fifty-nine minutes of an hour living in the past, with regrets for lost joys, or shame for things badly done (both utterly useless and weakening) – or in a future which we either long for or dread. Yet the past is gone, beyond prayer, and every minute you spend in vain effort to anticipate the future is moment lost. There is only one world, the world pressing against you at this minute. There is only one minute in which you are alive, THIS MINUTE – here and now. The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle. Which is exactly what it is – a miracle and unrepeatable!

Time Changes Things

2009-01-24T20:32:00.008-05:00

When I walked away from my mother for what I thought was the last time, I knew that if I were to ever have a relationship with her, I would have to be the one to change. I didn't set out to change or to save my relationship with mom. I set out to save my sanity, to become as mentally healthy as I could, to nurture the little girl in me that was so poorly neglected, to be a good mother to my boys, and to get outside the box that was so tightly formed around me. My mother was no longer permitted to be part of my happiness.

I was unaware that these goals would make me change. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago. I have grown and the little girl inside me is finally protected from the monsters in my life. I do get a little weak sometimes, but now that I see differently, nothing is as it was.

I've been visiting my mom just about once a week. I walk into the room and immediately hold her hand. I think I do this because I want her to know that there is love in my heart. She responds well to this. She sometimes says little things that will remind me of hard days, but the way I process the information has changed so much that it makes no difference; at least for now.

She says nice things to me now. I asked her if it was okay if I hold her hand, she said, "please don't ever let go."

My emotions are rolling around like marbles in a tin can, sometimes they are just too loud and I have to stop for a little while. When I do stop, I stop thinking so hard and remind myself that I have been given a gift; a chance to walk down a path of new discovery. I am grateful and fortunate to be in a place where there is no longer fear. I am grateful that every little step is forward.

My mother and I will never have what a mother and daughter's relationship could be. The box that defined me years ago is much larger now, my fears diminished, my mind healthier than ever; perhaps it is I that can finally accept who she is.

Until next time: this is the last post I will be writing about my mom for a while. I need to move on; I'm tired of thinking so hard.

May your mother's love, whether it be in spirit or alive, wrap you like a warm blanket on a cold winter's night. Thank you all for coming to my blog and your comments, I am amazed at how wonderful you all are.

Out for a while

2009-01-19T17:30:00.003-05:00

I have taken a leave for a short while. Not long. I will be back soon as I've decided to take a break. Thank you all for your comments and caring thoughts, gosh what a wonderful place this blog has come to be.

I'll be back soon, all your well thoughts are sent back your way.

Visiting Mom

2009-01-11T19:11:00.008-05:00

My arms, legs, and shoulders feel so heavy that gravity seems to have tripled in it’s pull. My head hurts to the point that the hairs on my eyebrows are painful. I feel like there is a relaxing peace and extreme turmoil inside of me at the same time. I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep, but words are filling my head so fast that I can’t keep up. Maybe later I’ll be able to rest.

There was a 35 year old woman that came to the food bank once and said she was hungry. She had been referred to me by the social worker in town; her mom accompanied her for support. She had been told to ask for me; I was the one in charge. She began telling me about how she was unable to work, didn’t have the ability to pay for her rent, and the food stamps she was receiving only covered a small portion of what she really needed for the month. She was Bi-polar, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and a cutter. Excitedly she asked me if I wanted to see her cuts. Before I had the chance to say no thank you, she had her sleeves rolled up and her belly was showing enough so I could see enough scars to make me uncomfortable. All this was happening while her mother was sitting next to her with tears in her eyes looking at me like she had reached the end of her rope; it appeared she was silently begging for help.

I’m not a cutter, nor have I ever been diagnosed with any of this woman’s disorders. I never quite understood the kind of pain that someone like her could go through, but somehow today I think I might have a small understanding of what she was trying to tell me.

I wish I could go into detail about what happened to me this week, but that will make this post very long. In short all I can say is, that after thinking long and hard, and after reading comments, and listening; I decided to visit my mother. I have just returned home from seeing her in a rehabilitation center where she'll stay to possibly recover from the stroke she had last week. It went fine; I think I did the right thing. The exhaustion is tremendous and I think I need to reflect.

Pain and excitement.

A heavy heart.

A new found love for every one of my siblings for their support.

Amazed at seeing my mother in a state of mind that reminds me of a child.

I don’t understand, but then again why should I?

I can only hope that tomorrow I will feel strong enough to handle the next hurdle.

Until next time: to my blogging friends that commented about my mom, thank you. Your words and unconditional support meant more to me than I can express.

Illusions

2009-01-04T21:37:00.007-05:00

This...

is part of this...

Which is really part of this...

Which is part of this...

Conclusion - As plain as it may appear to one person, another may not see at all.

One Last Chance

2009-01-03T22:56:00.004-05:00

A mother’s love for her new born child is amazingly strong. It’s only the beginning though, and it grows more by the hour, day, and every year after. The bond between a daughter and her mother is incredibly fantastic. I’m not a mother of a daughter, but I’m a daughter and my bond with my mother was indestructible, or so I thought.

I used to love watching my mother put on her makeup. I thought she was beautiful without it, but when she finished putting it on, she became a beauty queen to me. She always talked to me during that time. I’m not sure what kind of questions I asked her, and I don’t remember what we talked about, but it didn’t matter; this time with my mom was important to me. I had her full attention; at the age of six a mom’s attention can take away all your problems.

Later in my years I loved being able to talk to my mom late at night. She read a lot, and I would walk into her room where I could disrupt her at any given time. We would talk about boys or something seemingly important to me; that time was also precious.

Outside of those precious times were full of turmoil. My mom was a troubled person that had a lot of hate inside her. I’m not sure if she found me a threat to her ego, or if she didn’t like that I was not like her. She treated me terribly for so many years that it eventually broke my heart, completely.

I broke the bond with my mom. I didn’t really do it on purpose, it just happened. I had to stay away from her to save myself. She became so hurtful that I had to ask her to stay away. She did it with ease.

My mom’s going to die soon, I think anyway. If she overcomes this stroke she had then I’ll delete this post so she doesn’t see it. I don’t think she comes to visit here anyway. My dad died last year; they’re divorced. Dad died on my birthday. Now it looks pretty grim for my mom, and I’m thinking about the possibility of her dying on my birthday like my dad. If she does, I think this is going to be another slap upside the head from the spirits or God or who ever is out there, and I’m going to have to do some soul searching, again.

She’s not dead yet though. I’ve settled on what I’m willing to do with my siblings. You may think that I’m a horrible person for separating myself from her; I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that I’m not sure I’ve forgiven her. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t want forgiveness, what matters is that after she’s gone, I will have no opportunity to ever say anything to her again. I don’t want to end up with hate in my heart like her.

So I think I need to center, pray for the ability to forgive, and forgive her for her abuse. I wish there was a magical button I could press to make everything okay inside, but there isn’t, and right now I need to let go, and let the angels be and decide for me.

Until next time: may you be a peace with all your decisions.

There May be More Than One Way to That Solution

2009-01-01T18:28:00.018-05:00

I got in the truck; I have to step up a sideboard to get into the seat, without it I would probably need a stool to climb in the cab. I'm five feet seven, so I'm guessing that the top of the windshield on the truck might be about six feet off the ground. The worm that was splattered on the windshield may have been about my eye level.

I got into the truck; I couldn't help but wonder how the worm got there. It was dead, and it was obviously splattered but not enough to completely destroy it. How did it get there? It was warm the day before, so worms may have been out and about doing what they do on warm wintry days, but could a winterized worm crawl five feet up a truck to die on the windshield? I even talked about this mysterious phenomenon with my boss, it was his truck after all, maybe he witnessed the tragedy. He had not witnessed it but thought that a bird may have dropped it from the air. Maybe the worm wiggled it's way out of the birds beak and fell.

That seemed like the most logical scenario to me. I accepted it and went on with my day. Being the passenger in this truck however, forced me to look at this worm more closely. I could actually see through it. I could see it's insides through the sun, I wondered what it ate the day before it died; what do worms eat anyway? It didn't seem to have died in pain, or did it? And how the heck would I know, I'm no expert on death and pain! I could have cleaned the windshield, which would be the easy thing to do. But the worm was stuck and dry, which meant I would have to scrape it off. Not me, I'm not scraping it off, why make it worse? So I lived with this worm through the day. After a while, I took a picture for myself to see if I could see anything else. I couldn't, I choose not to look for anymore gory details actually. I choose to leave it alone and write about the poor fellow. Imagine being a critter that is put on this earth to be a meal for another critter! Imagine being swooped up, and then fighting for your life only to be dropped and splattered on a truck. Maybe that's what hell is?

Where am I going with this? How many times do I think I have certain situations figured out? How many times have I thought about something that's happened to me and assumed it was because of one thing and it was never the way I thought at all? We can live in a paradigm where we see things one way, and if we work hard enough at changing our paradigm, we discover all new ways of looking at the same situation. We can then realize that the way to the result is not always what it seems. Most likely there is more to any story, problem, or equation than what we think we know. Perhaps we just have to make sure we're understanding what we're looking at before making any conclusion.

Until next time: may 2009 bring you days of uncomplicated happiness.

Happy Holidays but...

2008-12-27T07:07:00.007-05:00

Christmas is over, and the new year is approaching. The last eight Christmas's were so full of hard work and energy, that after Christmas I tended to want to disappear and find a nice quiet place to meditate to forgive myself for not giving me one minute to rest. This is year was quite different.

I took a little time for me; I think I gave adequate time for the people around me. It was that balance thing where you give your love but not too much. I've learned that you can love people from a short distance without invading their space. Let them see and feel your love but stand aside in respect to them; let them be who they are and love them for it. This is not what I was taught, so practicing this late in my life is a conscience pleasure, a little handicapped, but a pleasure none-the-less.

I really do not like the holidays. I love the meaning of Christmas; showing love, celebrating Jesus's life, the magic, etc. I just don't like what it does to people. The emotion and turmoil that comes from Christmas is mind boggling. The little town that I work in has a population of about 9,600 people, which turns out to be approximately three thousand families. They have a volunteer ambulance and on average maybe get one call a day for emergencies. On December 26th, they received seven calls. The calls were so often that they were afraid they wouldn't be able to make them all. During the season there were at least two or three emergencies on overdose, and in another town Laura Orzo was stabbed to death in her apartment, probably a robbery, she was 85 years old. I have friends that became depressed; they didn't know why, they only know that the holidays are hard for them. Families I know were turned upside down just because; mine is no exception.

So the holidays are over; I'm glad they are. I'm glad that Christmas makes us all think; perhaps that's what makes us emotional. After it's over however, I feel as though I'm coming out from under a shelter that protected me from a violent storm. I wonder what's left, and if the people I know have recovered and feel the storm damage as I do.

I will hold on a little longer; the New Year for me is not usually a celebration of laughter. I quietly mourn the year before and welcome the new one coming in. I hope that the people I love will get through the new year in good health and as happy as possible so we can enjoy our friendships a little while longer.

Some day maybe I won't celebrate Christmas in a traditional manner. Maybe I'll do it in a way that completely surprises me and the people around me. Until then, I'll appreciate what I've got and hope that the holiday spirit of love will stay with us a long as possible.

My Christmas Card to You.

2008-12-25T08:51:00.005-05:00

Snow Plowing 101 Part II

2008-12-21T21:28:00.009-05:00

It started snowing on Friday, I went home about 9:00 p.m., went to bed and was back at work at 4:30 a.m. Saturday. It was still dark outside but the coffee shop opens at 5:00 a.m. and there was some shoveling to do. So off with my shovel I went, and my boss started plowing the parking lot. After I was finished doing the grunt work, that I love by the way, I hopped in the truck to get warm. That was when my boss said it was time for me to learn how to plow. I was excited the night before because I knew that I would be learning this today. I don't know why this kind of stuff has been exciting me, but hey, when you feel like it's right, you go with the flow. Experience life to the fullest and you will feel fullfilled right?

He showed me how to plow in a basic square area. Not hard I thought, you just have to remember to lift the plow when you back up, and make sure you look in the rear view mirrors. Then he showed me a tight spot and how not to take a building down with the plow. This was going to be fun I thought. Then he hopped out of the truck and said, "you do it." And I did just that. I plowed with him sitting beside me and giving explicit instructions and hints on how to improve my ability. Then he pointed to a square area again, and told me to plow this big open space while he used the big truck to move the heavy stuff. Everything went like clock work, I was handling it just fine.

After him showing me how to do a few driveways, we went over to another parking lot. It was approaching ten o'clock and the stores were opening. There were a few cars here and there, but it didn't seem to bother my boss. For some reason though, when we arrived there was panic everywhere. The store owners were troubled, and they wanted that lot cleared right away. Maybe because it was the last weekend before Christmas, a major storm, and they were worried about business and who would park where.

My boss turned from relaxed plow guy to aggressive truck driver. He told me to take the truck and start plowing the restaurant; I was to first ask the owner where the new septic system was. The owner was outside shoveling, so I gracefully walked over and introduced myself and we talked septic. I figured I'd stay away from the septic, the restaurant, and anything else that looked like it would be expensive to replace and just do the center of the lot.

Well, let me tell you that was not that easy. I was sitting in the center of the parking lot and suddenly couldn't remember where the parking lot met grass. I'd been in this lot a hundred times before, and I couldn't remember where any lines were. The parking lot was gravel and when ever I put the plow down, it scraped up the gravel in a pile. I sat for too long trying to figure out what I should do, so I started driving in circles. Snow doesn't go anywhere if you push it in circles. Around and around I went, then I started to panic. I thought my boss could see that I was driving in circles, or even worse what if people could see that I didn't know what I was doing? So I got out of the truck. Why? I have no idea. The owner of the restaurant came out to talk to me. I could feel the sweat on my feet and my palms. He was pretty nice though after I told him I was in training, he just kind of nodded and said, "I could tell." He also showed me a place where I could screw up. There was piece of grass along side the parking lot that he was going to replace. He said, "start here, it's okay if you mess it up." What a great guy I thought, he must have been through something like this before; either that or he just wasn't in the mood to have to replace part of the building.

Over to the screw up place I went, and did a great job of screwing it up. One nice thing about plowing though, is that you can cover up mistakes with snow, no one finds out until the snow is melted. Anyway, my own training session was over, and I moved over to the dumpsters, got a little better, and then did the rest of the lot. It ended up looking pretty good. My boss came over later and made it look even better with the big truck.

Lesson three: People assume that when your driving a truck with a plow attached, that you know what your doing. They dart in front of you, behind you, and to the side. I almost hit two cars behind me because they thought I saw them. If they only knew!!

Until next time: may the plow you're in back of know where you are at all times.

Snow Plowing 101

2008-12-20T20:02:00.012-05:00

Everything has been going pretty smoothly in this new job. Now it's winter, and I need to learn about snow plowing. The storm was predicted to be a big one on Friday, so we worked all day putting the sander in the big red truck. The truck is the size of a town dump truck, I'm not sure what size to call it, but it's pictured above this post. The snow started coming down around 2:00 p.m., and we were getting ready to tackle the storm. About 4:00 we still were not ready, but apparently this is okay, it needs to snow about 4 inches before plowing the commercial parking lots and residents expect this. By 5:00 the storm was more like a blizzard, and we needed to make one more stop before starting to plow.

Lesson one - I haven't driven the pick up with the plow yet, and I haven't driven it in the snow yet. Apparently I had already been trained, and I was ready for this next mission, but someone forgot to tell me. My boss threw me the keys and said let's go. "Go? Go where?" I said. He said to follow him, that we had to get sand for both trucks and some supplies were needed before we went out for the night, so off we went. Have you ever driven a pick up with a snow plow on the front? Well it's pretty damn scary the first time, especially when it's not your truck! The plow was really heavy and with no weight in the back, it kind of felt like I was in a helicopter hovering over the snow; I don't have a helicopter licence, and I don't want one. I had strict instructions to not go over twenty miles per hour. Five miles per hour seemed more reasonable to me! My boss apparently forgot that I was a mother of two little boys at one time and never drove over fifteen in the snow! Change was in my forecast today, and I was not prepared.

I sucked it up and off we went. At first I was horrified, I wanted to roll down the window and shout, "get out of the road, I've never done this before, and I could kill you with this piece of steel in front me!" I was surprised after a few miles though and managed to stay out of any accidents, well almost anyway. I forgot to raise the plow after stopping at one stop and rolled the plow over a rock. I didn't tell my boss though, there was no damage.

Lesson two - When your with guys, and one of their trucks starts to slide in a snow storm like they might be going down a ravine, don't try to run over on foot and tell them about the danger they're in. Chances are they already know it and will take care of it. And why do I know this lesson? The big red truck that my boss was driving started sliding and hit a guard rail in a parking lot. I thought for sure he was going down the ravine behind the guard rail. I jumped out of the pick up, first I put the plow down, then I put it in park; I said that because I forgot to do that a few times too! I got out of the truck and slipped and fell flat on my fanny. Four guys all watched me fall down while the big red truck was slipping all over the place. I quickly rose to my feet and fell again. This time I went all the way down, and yes I as cool as I am, I was looking a little silly. I hoped no one was looking, but as I glanced up, the men all quickly looked away from me with a smile and went back to the more important issue of the big red truck slipping into the guard rail.

By the time I managed to get back on my feet, the guys put the sand down under the big red truck and my boss was pulling away like nothing ever happened. I balanced myself and slowly went back to my truck to follow him. I pretended nothing happened and smiled as I drove away as quietly as I could. I prayed for me not to get stuck and make my embarassment worse.

There's more, but this post is getting too long. So I'll post about my first plow experience tomorrow. Right now I need to sleep. Did you know that every guy that has a plow is up all night long? They start at dark and run through the night. I didn't, I went home, went to bed, and then got up at 3:45 a.m. to meet my boss who was plowing all night. I'll tell you about that after my rest tonight.

Until next time: may your snowy nights be restful and may you be able to laugh at yourself when you least expect it.

Snow and This Boy Was not Happy

2008-12-19T22:40:00.002-05:00

Eight inches of snow today! When it first started falling this little boy, went to his owner's car planted his three legs down, he lost one leg somehow, and wouldn't move until he was allowed to get into the car. He was so funny and unhappy about the bad weather that I just had to take this shot of him.

Peeping Out From the Hole

2008-12-14T20:47:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it's almost official, I'm no longer in hiding. I went to a Christmas party last night and actually had a good time. I didn't feel like I should be at home resting, or hiding from everyone I know. I even talked about my former job and what I'm doing now. I found myself a little short with a few people trying be bigger people than I, but I successfully let it roll off my back. I laughed, I listened, and I enjoyed the few moments with everyone I talked to.

I'm glad that this wanting to be in hole was not a permanent thing; I was beginning to feel like it was. I'm learning as I get older that I really don't have to make friends with everyone, and there's something to like in everyone. Maybe I should have known this a long time ago, but I didn't, and I know it now so that's okay with me.

I still want to be invisible, but for now I'm starting to feel a little healthier and more level headed. I love that I was able to rest my emotions and do what I felt was best for me. It's so satisfying to be able to nurture one self.

Did I really say that?

2008-12-12T22:36:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I just talk too much. I really should just sit and listen for a good long time before I force any words out of my mouth. Not that I need to beat myself up or anything, but dang, I wish I would just be quiet sometimes. I wish that I could just say I'm sorry while walking into a room before I sit down. That way hopefully, everyone will except my apology in advance and when I say something crazy, they'll just know that I already apologized for it.

So today, I'm sorry. I'm really not the kind of person that says stupid things all the time, just some of the time.

Did that work?

Woman Returns $97,000

2008-12-09T22:13:00.002-05:00

This is good test. Would I have returned the $97,000 that I found in the bathroom at Cracker Barrel? Heck, I hope so. Boy oh boy what a surprise that would have been. The woman that found the money is from Tennessee, I always thought the southern folk were extra special. What a great example of honesty and doing the right thing.

In business law the instructor took a survey of how many people thought that if you find money, then it needs to be turned into the authorities and the owner should be found. Most of the class raised their hands when he said how many thought it was finders keepers because it was cash! It's really the law that you should turn it in and it doesn't belong to you. This woman from Tennessee must have known that, or perhaps she really is just a nice person!

I can imagine the panic I would have felt if I lost that money. Good for you Mrs. Watts, you have my utmost respect!

My Aunt Barbara Died

2008-12-04T19:50:00.016-05:00

My Aunt Barbara died on December 1st. Her daughter called to let me know. I'm grateful that she took the time to call me. I know that seems weird to say, because it's family and families do that, but I really am grateful; we hardly knew one another. Anyway, my Aunt Barbara and I reconnected a number of years ago. I had a hard time calling her that first time, I don't know why other than I felt so disconnected. She opened her heart immediately and made me feel at home. She was kind, supportive, and full of love. It's how I remember my grandmother, her mom, but I was so young when my Nanna was alive that I feel like I didn't know her that well. I do remember that to me, she was very kind.

Dear Aunt Barbara,
Thank you for opening your heart to me. You gave me more love in the few times we spoke than my own parents did in a life time. Perhaps you knew this and that's why you were there for me, or perhaps you wanted me to see that I wasn't open enough to feel the love that my father had for me. In any case, you gave me something so special that I will keep it with me forever. I love you and I will miss you.
Your Loving Niece

p.s. I hope your wings fit you well, and may the next life bring you all things you ever wished for.

Aunt Barbara could have been a bitter woman; she had some very hard times. Bitter was was not the path she chose though, instead she chose to be happy and to give as much as she was capable of. She loved in ways that seemed impossible to me.

I regret not ever flying to Florida to see her over these last few years. I should have, and she no doubt understands why I didn't, but I should have and I'm sorry for it.

Until next time: may the people you love hold you close in their heart.

The picture is my Dad, who died on January 16, 2008, with my Aunt Barbara, who died on December 1, 2008, when they were feeling well.

A Few Photos

2008-12-01T20:51:00.005-05:00

Taken today in the morning. The fog rolled in as a result of the rain from yesterday. Today when I arrived at work, it looked like this.

The Moon along with Jupiter and Venus are putting on a show and forming a triangle in the sky today, December 1, 2008. It might be around a little longer for us to enjoy, meanwhile, tonight it shone brightly for me. This is what I captured with my little Canon Power Shot A630.